Overnight feeds

Last night I overslept and ended up feeding Cupcake at 3:15 am instead of 2:30.  Her previous meal was at 10:30 pm, so at that point it had been closer to 5 hours between meals.  The doctors told us to not wait any more than 4 hours.  This is not the first time this happens.

I have an alarm, but in all honesty, its easy to snooze while still in deep slumber.  I've tried putting it in different places, but somehow, my arm manages to move on its own and turn it off.  Or maybe I set the alarm wrong.  Who knows, at 3:15 in the morning its hard to think about things rationally.  I do know that as soon as I saw the time I woke up fast in a fright.  I definitely don't want Cupcake to go into metabolic shock, and even though we have a 6 hour window, this was too close for comfort.  I put her to my boob and she ate, calm, as if nothing was happening.

I hate the middle of the night feeds.  Hate them with a passion.  Hate them because Cupcake seems perfectly happy to sleep through them.  Hate them because she probably would be sleeping 6 hours straight if it wasn't for me trying to dream feed her.  Hate them because its been about 9 weeks since I get more than 3.5 hours of sleep straight.  Hate them because Cupcake has been spitting up a lot, so I need to keep her head elevated for about 10 minutes after feeding, which means that for ten minutes, Nate is asleep, Cupcake is asleep, and I'm the only fool needing to keep some semblance of wakefulness.  Hate them because of what they represent with her MCAD.  Hate that I can't aspire to a full night sleep for a long time, even if my baby was more willing to.

Next week we have another appointment with her Metabolic doctor.  This is her first follow-up since she was diagnosed with MCAD some 6-7 weeks ago.  Hopefully they will see that she is gaining lots of weight and is in the high percentile for her age, and adjust her feedings accordingly, or give us some reassuring new regarding her dietary needs.

Meanwhile, I feel extreme guilt for hating her 2 am feed.  What kind of mother am I?  I have been given the means to keep her healthy and free of MCAD symptoms, and the only drawback is that I have to suffer in my sleep for a few months.  Shouldn't I be doing it more willingly?