On having a constant snacker

I've made a great discovery these last few weeks that hopefully should help us deal with the days better.  Turns out that Cupcake is much more of a snacker than I ever imagined, and needs less naps.

In fact, it seems that half the time she looked tired and I thought she needed to nap, she was actually hungry.  I began to realize that she was tired but not actually going to sleep, and if I gave her food/breast milk, she'd perk right up.

So we've been doing a new experiment.  Cupcake is down to two naps, at noon and at 5 pm.  If she seems to be tired earlier than that, I try to feed her first.  If she's still tired after getting the blood sugar rush, then she's probably having a sleepy day.

It's a curious thing, and probably related to her MCAD.  When she's hungry, and her blood sugar goes down, she seems to crash more than other babies.  She whine, gets cranky, tired, rubs her eyes, is pretty much insufferable.   But once I give her food her entire demeanor changes.  She smiles, the color comes back to her face (I hadn't even noticed she was looking pale!), her energy comes back, and her entire demeanor improves.  It's such a change, and pretty remarkable.

It makes me wonder how many times I've tried to put her down for naps and she fought them, when she was actually only hungry.

Does your kid need to snack constantly?  Could it be FOD related, or is it just common infant behavior?  What are easy healthy snack ideas?

Sleep Chronicles

It's been a busy last few weeks, both in Cupcake's life and in ours.  The main issue with Cupcake is a bizarro sleep regression that I'm having a hard time dealing with.  Please forgive the dangling preposition, my mommy brain isn't functioning very well.  Sleep deprivation is a b-ch.

Life before baby

Life after baby

 I also seem unable to organize my thoughts into a standard essay-style blog entry, so maybe I'll just try to touch the highlights of what's going on with us.

- We tried a form of modified sleep training.  Basically, my arms gave out and I just couldn't rock her anymore for as long as she needed.  The new plan was to rock her for 5 - 10 minutes (which seems reasonable, since she is, after all, a baby), then set he down on her crib.  At this point, if she cries, just sing to her and pat her and reassure her that I'm there.  She cried, and wailed, and looked very angry, but never more than 15-20 minutes.  I would stay in the room with her, not wanting the issue of sleeping of her own to get confused with separation anxiety. 

It worked, I admit.  Hearing her cry felt terrible, but she would fall asleep, and stay asleep for an hour.  Then proceeded to be in a wonderful mood the rest of the day.  I had feared that she'd hate me for doing this to her, but a baby's short term memory is bliss.  Mostly, I felt like I had no choice, since I couldn't rock her.

- I'm not sure how I feel about crying to sleep, even though we had to do it.  It seemed to me that Cupcake started waking up from naps mid cry, as opposed to the cooing she used to do.  Am I projecting?  Probably.  Reminds me of Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog, when Captain Hammer is frozen mid song, and when he unfreezes he finished the note where he left off.  Yes, I just compared my 10 month old's napping pattern to Dr. Horrible, what of it?  In any case, even though my arms were finally getting rest, I wasn't fully convinced that this was the best approach for us.  A week and half later, she was still crying 10 minutes per nap.  Is that normal?  Shouldn't she be happily self soothing by now?

- She's learned to stand on her crib.  She's known how to pull up for long time, but she finally figured out how to go from laying down to sitting, and from there the rest is easy.  So now, I can't even let her cry as an option, because as soon as I put her down on the crib, she immediately sits and stands.  It's so quick, I could blink and I'd miss it.

Which leaves me with some options, rock her to sleep until she's really good and zonked out.  Which.... no, this is what got us in this predicament.  My arms can't rock a 22 lb baby.  Not gonna happen.   Or I could take her out to nap on the stroller.  Or I could just leave her to cry and figure it out for herself.

I've tried to let her fuss it out, and it's just not working.  She cried, gets completely red and snot nosed, and just doesn't let down.  At what point do I throw in the towel?  So far I'm stopping the torture after 20 minutes, I just assume she wasn't tired and we can try for a nap again later.

- Have I mentioned that she's just kinda not sleeping during the day but stays in a great mood?  She looks exhausted, will fall asleep within 30 seconds of me rocking her, and wakes as soon as I put her on the crib.  But once I pick her up she's all smiles, plays well on her own, and largely shows no signs of being tired or overtired.  I'm trying to remind myself that at this age many babies only need one nap, so as long as she gets one nap in there, it's all good.  She'll fall asleep when she's tired enough, right?

- The sleep training has had one awesomely positive side effect.  Cupcake now sleeps on her stroller again.  After a 5 month stroller strike, she now will happily zonk out in her umbrella stroller, her neck bending to utterly uncomfortable looking positions.   Freedom.   I can now leave the house without worrying about coming back home for naps or risk total breakdown while out.  Is it related to the sleep training, or simply a developmental phase?

- Could she possibly be transitioning to one nap?  And if so, she's gone from 3 naps to 1 in a matter of weeks.  Not sure how to handle this.

- Now with the the crib standing, she's back to waking up 4+ times a night.  We'd managed to cut it to 2, by letting her fuss it out for a few nights.  We're regressing.  And the worse thing is that Cupcake seems to be sitting up in her sleep, and then her body wakes her up.  None of us, baby included, are happy with this situation, but are at a loss on what to do.  The night we let her sort it out herself, she just cried while standing for a half hour.  I was so exhausted I let her, but we share a room, so this just wont work.  Should we set up an air mattress in the living room?  Would that work better?

I'm having a some tough weeks, where I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.  She doesn't sleep well, and it feels like a direct reflection of my love and parenting abilities.  It's hard to convince me otherwise. 

Breastfeeding - How to deal with a biter

This seems to be a current topic of conversation in my mom-baby group, as many of our kids have multiple teeth.  Cupcake still only has her 2 bottom teeth, but they're razor sharp.  And yes, sometimes she bites.

We went through a bad biting stage for a while, and I asked my local La Leche League chapter for their advice.  They are such a great source of information, even if I still find them overly AP for my tastes.  Also, through asking other people, I've come up with a brief summary of some techniques to deal with a compulsive biter.

Here goes:

Reprimand : Pull them off the boob and say NO! very firmly.  Then put the milk (boob) away.  This didn't work for us.  Cupcake found it hi-la-rious.  Which then would make me laugh, and well... it wasn't getting the point accross.  At the LLL meeting, many ladies said that this technique works in theory, but not in practice.

Distract and underplay the reaction:  Many times, yelling Ow! in pain or telling them a firm NO! can be counterproductive, because most babies laugh at the attention.  Instead, try to have a non-reaction.  When they bite, pull them away (making sure to insert your finger in their mouth so you're not pulling your nipple out while biting, ouch!), and cover your boob.  They will cry, and you distract them with a teething toy in their mouth, or something else in their hands.  When they're calmed down a bit, start breastfeeding again.  Repeat for as many times as necessary until they seem to get it.

Know that this too, shall pass.  Just because the baby has started biting all the time, it doesn't mean this is the new normal.  Like everything else, they go through phases.  Cupcake had a terrible week right before her first tooth came him, and I was basically ready to end our breastfeeding relationship.  I gave myself a deadline for a week away, if she wasn't done biting by then, we'd have to use formula. Her tooth came in before that time (lucky girl) and she stopped biting.  Still bites once in a while, but it's very seldom.  Right now she's teething again, so she'll bite more, but it's not a chronic issue.  

Prevent the bite.  Observe their biting habits.  Are they biting at the end of the nursing session, before the let-down, when they're done with one side?  Maybe they're done drinking for a bit and need to teeth.  Have a cold teething toy close at hand.  And when they're drinking, observe closely if the sucking motions are slowing down, then pull them off the boob and insert a teething toy in their mouth.  As in, try to pre-empt the bite.  I've never been able to actually do this.  Cupcake always catches me by surprise.

Nurse when well rested.  Many times, they bite out of frustration or tiredness.  See is you can feed them at times when they're not dying for a nap.  This has really worked for us.

Change nursing positions.  For example, Cupcake will only bite me when she's laying down.  If she bites, I switch her to sitting.  She sits on my lap, facing me, with the boob on her face.  Looks hilarious, but it seems to distract her enough.

The boob smother.  The Dr Sears recommended method of pushing the biter's head into your breast.  Effectively, this smother forces them to have to open their mouth and they can't bite (it saves your nipples too) Repeat as many times as necessary until they get the point.

Any other techniques you would like to share?  I'm always open to breastfeeding advice.

On weaning

Man, I think I'm gonna have to make an appointment with our Metabolic doctor soon, because Cupcake is showing sings of weaning.   At the ripe old age of 9 months.  

I'm having very conflicted feelings about this, which I'm sure it's normal.

Currently we nurse at 9 am (wake up time). 12:30 or1pm, 4pm, 7pm and 9:30pm (bedtime), 12:30 pm, (dream feed)  4:30 ish (if she only wakes up once a night, which... riiiight... it's the best case scenario).

(As an aside, I'd like to share that technically, Cupcake can go longer between feeds - we're at 8 hours overnight- and doesn't metabolically need the midnight feed.  But we do it anyway, because otherwise she'd wake up at 2am, just as I am reaching my own REM sleep.  We have to work together, child.   But even though medically she could sleep longer, she seems to still get hungry during the night, after about 5 hours.  You can't convince me that MCAD is unrelated to to appetite.  I was told that the only issue with her MCAD is to feed her, so if she's hungry, homegirl is getting milk.  Hopefully this will sort itself out as she gets older.)

Aside over.  

So we've been having lots of trouble with the bedtime feed.   Cupcake is tired, fussy, and my letdown is super slow at the end of the day.  Also, and this might be the biggest factor, she usually has dinner with us at about 8 pm.  I'm beginning to think that milk at 7, solids at 8, and then again milk at 9:30... maybe not such a good idea.  By the time bedtime comes along she's probably not that hungry.  She'll usually eat, but more and more often she likes to be at the boob, but gets frustrated after a few minutes.  We go on with the routine and read books instead, and she doesn't seem too upset about it.  Seriously, sometimes she skips her bedtime milk,  which I thought was supposed to be the sacred one.

I'm thinking of combining the 4 pm and 7 pm nursing sessions.   As it is, the 4 pm is a complicated one too.  The way her naps work, I end up combining her 4 pm milk with her solid lunch sometimes.  And as we are usually out at the park at this time, she doesn't seem to interested in breastfeeding.   So maybe I'll just do one nursing session at about 5:30 or 6 pm, so that by the time bedtime comes along she'll actually hungry.

We'll see.  I'm hoping that in response to this adjusted feeding schedule, her naps will reorganize as well, and she'll go into two longer naps, instead of the current three.

Next week there's a La Leche League meeting.  I'll be curious what they have to say about it.  I'm fine with weaning.  Though I love breastfeeding, I'm not particularly interested in extended nursing.  I mean, if Cupcake has a hard time letting go, I'll keep giving her the boob as long as needed, but I have a feeling that won't be THAT long.  She likes real food way too much.

Baby earrings

I'm having some major second thoughts about my decision to give Cupcake earrings, and I feel like a terrible mother about it.

She got earrings when she was almost 3 months old. At the time I was freaking out that we had waited too long.  I come from a country where baby girls get their ears pierced in the hospital, within days of birth, and the idea of waiting 3 months filled me with dread.

Nevertheless, after her tetanus shot, we made our appointment, and our doctor's office pierced her ears. It was a pretty easy procedure, that didn't seem to hurt cupcake too much.  Sure, she cried after the first piercing, but it seemed to come from frustration at being  strapped down more than anything else. She cried for a few minutes (they felt like hours), and then promptly forgot about it.  In fact, that evening was the first time we heard her laugh.

Our pediatrician told us to rotate them and clean them, and that after a month we could take them out and replace them with our own earrings. We ended up keeping them for almost 3 months, as we were both too nervous to deal with holes in her ears.

Finally, we got some courage and replaced the earrings.  It was stressful, but she seemed pain free, which was our main concern.  The new earrings were a gift from Cupcake's great-grandmother, and they were special gold baby earrings with a special back to protect from scratches.   Everything was gravy.

Then yesterday I found one earring on Cupcake's play mat.  Apparently, she took it off, not really sure when.  And I looked and looked, and I couldn't find the back (did she swallow it?).  No problem, I thought, we'll just put back the original earrings from the pediatrician's office and go about our way.   Except that then last night we were running errands and we got home past Cupcake's bedtime, so we had to put her down quickly and didn't get a chance to try to put the earring back.  

We tried again this evening, and it won't go in.   It goes in one side, but doesn't seem to come out the other. We've realized that the doctor's earrings are much thicker than ours, so her ear might have healed thinner during the last 3 months.  I don't know, at some point early in the procedure I had a total panic meltdown.

I feel like a selfish mother for putting holes in my baby's ears. And I tell myself that this is cultural, that I had earrings as a baby and it's perfectly normal, but we live in the states, and the constant scrutiny of people noticing her ears are pierced is getting to me.  I try to tell myself that it's better to do it when they're young, as there is less chance of infection, but then  why won't the earring go in her ear?   I'm so scared it's gonna have to be re-opened, that it's gonna be infected, that it will cause her pain.  I can't bear to have her cry over something so stupid.

I feel like a terrible mother because we might have been able to get the earring in  the hole if I hadn't freaked out. This was a two person job: one holds the baby down while the other puts the earring, and I couldn't do either. I ended up hyperventilating in the bathroom while Nate tried valiantly to fix the problem, but ultimately couldn't.   Why can't I handle it? What's wrong with me? Why am I failing when I'm needed?  I'm gonna call the pediatrician tomorrow and see if she has any advice.

What's our bedtime routine?

The bedtime routine is one of the few things we feel in total control of as parents.   We chose it, altered in response to Cupcake's preferences, adjusted things that worked better logistically, and have arrived in a routine that we all enjoy.  Cupcake is happy, we have activities to do with her, and most importantly, she goes to sleep very quickly at night.  (Does she stay asleep? No, she still nurses at night, but one issue at a time, right?

We start some time between 9 - 9:30 pm.  And yes, that's late compared  to other kids in the US, but she wakes for the day at 9:00 am, so it's a non issue,  she's getting all the sleep she needs.   So depending on how tired she is, we either try to hold her over until 9, or sometimes we are having such good family time that next thing we know its 9:30 already and it's time to get her in her bath.

First bath, always with her dad.  This is their special  time to bond and play.

Next dry off and, put on diaper, and have baby massage with lotion.  I used to do this, but now Nate has been giving her the massage  more and more often. That way I can be cleaning or cooking for longer. Then she puts on pajamas.

At this point Nate will take her to the kitchen clock and tell her what time it is.   This is my sign that they're done,and I nurse her in the couch.  She has milk, sometimes lots, though lately she doesn't seem as hungry at night.

Then we read two books.  All three of us.  Sometimes only one of us will read if the other is busy, but it's such a fun family activity, we try to do it together.  We used to skip the book sometimes when she seemed way too tired, but now we have to read it.   Then about a month ago seemed to be sleep nursing and we made the misguided decision to go ahead and take her to bed, and he screamed bloody murder, and was not content until we read two book.  Yes, two.  It's pretty cute, she likes turning the pages, and has books that are obviously her favorite.

When the books are over, I give her a goodnight kiss and she goes to our  room with her dad.  He rocks her on a yoga ball (still), and she's out within 5 minutes. He sets her down on her crib, she turns to sleep on her side, and by 10 pm-ish we are done.

It's been really great.   She really knows the routine by now, and we've been able to leave her for the evening with my mom, who followed the sequence to a T and said Cupcake zonked out with no problem.

It's curious how she seems to get that it's time to sleep.  She's energetic and awake in the bath, then gets tired and cranky during pajama time, is about to pass out during milk, but wakes completely for the books.  We used to worry about the books taking her out of the tired zone, but it seems the exhaust the last bit of energy she has left, so by the time we're done with them she's ready for sleep.

Next goal, establish a nap time system that's as effective.

Dealing with the heat

I used to live in Texas, land of 100+ degree summers, so you'd think I'd be used to the humid heat by now.  I think everything changes when you have a baby, including your own relationship to the sun and heat.

Namely, I'm getting concerned that Cupcake is not dealing well with the summer that decided to show up full force on Memorial Day weekend.  How timely of it, right?  My poor child is only about to turn 8 months, and after living through one of the coldest and stormiest winters on record, she is probably ill prepared for the sweat and discomfors that come with summer.  What am I supposed to do?

I am also incredibly paranoid about MCAD and excessive heat.  I wouldn't even have thought the two issues were related, but then there was an online discussion on our FOD support group.  Some parents were concerned that in summer, their otherwise energetic children/toddlers struggle with low energy levels and muscle aches.  Note to self: must stop reading the FOD emails; they only worry me and feed hypochondriac tendencies I didn't even know I had.  Nevertheless, is there a relationship between MCAD and problems with excessive heat?

Our doctors never told us anything about it.  Now, that doesn't necessarily mean there's no connection, as I'm well aware that MCAD and FODs in general are a recent diagnosis and doctors are still finding out what the disorder entails.  So I need to observe my baby, and see if anything seems out of the ordinary.

She gets little sweat beads on her nose.  Do all babies do that?  My instincts say yes, but it also wasn't that hot when these sweat beads started (last week was in the low 80's).  We are also having trouble figuring out how much to cool the apartment.  She's been waking up in the mornings covered in sweat (that's bad, right?), so we're now turning on the window unit at night.  But is the air blowing directly at her?  Should we keep the house really cool and still cover her?  The other night she slept with only a onesie and her feet felt really cold in the middle of the night.  Aaaaahhhh, I hate second guessing myself, specially because the MCAD makes me paranoid about her body temperature (Also, I still prescribe by the old fashioned idea that being cold gives you a cold, and I don't want her to get sick from the AC, since she FINALLY got over her stuffy nose.  What, it's not the cold air, it's people's germs?  Shut up!  You can't convince me that sudden changes in temperature don't contribute to getting sick.)  

Why would heat exacerbate an MCAD problem?  Our doctors have explained that high body heat means more calories burned, which means less time before the body is fasting.  However, this assumption is based on fevers, when the body is actively fighting an infection, and the heat is probably an exothermic reaction to the energy already being spent.  That made much more sense in my head.  So fighting infection = calories burned, with a side effect of high temperature.   If this is all vaguely accurate, then the body being overheated from the outside (as in the sun) shouldn't affect it's internal sugar levels.  Right?

As for muscle aches or weakness.  I can't tell if Cupcake is tired because, well, the heat will tire all of us, or if she's having a harder time.  We were practicing standing while at the park, (she loves standing) and her legs felt as strong as always.  She's still not crawling, but I'm convinced that has nothing to do with muscle weakness.  Some babies just never crawl, and she looks like she might skip it altogether and start walking.  I have to keep observing her.

So, since it's gonna hit 90 today, how much water do I give her?  I want Cupcake to be hydrated, but I also don't want her belly to get full and then don't drink as much milk, which has all the nutrients and sugars that she needs in addition to being a refreshing liquid.  Do I feed her more often since she's sweating?

What about at night?  She's waking every 3.5 hours right now, and I'm exhausted.  I'm ready to try a little tough love in order to keep my sanity.  (This is a point of contention with my husband, who would happily respond to every stir and fuss, which... he's more than welcome to do, but I just don't have it in me at night.  So, do I let him deal with it on his own, or do we need to have a more unified front?)  But really, could she actually be legitimately hungry/thirsty at night because of the summer temperatures?  And if I don't nurse her all those times, am I affecting her glucose levels?

I don't really expect answers to all this, but it's so confusing to be a parent.  For everyone.  I wish she could just tell me what she needs, if she feels achy, if she's thirsty, if her neck hurts from the heat rash.  But I doubt she's even wrapped her head around the sun being the heat source, so I guess I'll have to wait on her info.

Wedding Reception

Today we went to an afternoon wedding reception, the first time we've gone to a formal event as a new family.  I wasn't too worried, because it was an afternoon event, (as opposed to an evening full out gala), a nice party with food and drinks for all the people who weren't able to fly across the country for their actual wedding 4 months ago.

And Cupcake looked a-dora-ble!  I know I'm biased, but she was the cutest baby within a 10 block radius.  She had a white dress some Argentinian friends got her from a nice boutique there (so it has that wonderful handmade quality), and a white headband.  Usually I'm against headbands, and think the poor babies in them look like their head is split in two, but I take it all back, the headband really tied the outfit together.

Also, another gigantic milestone: I fit into my pre-pregnancy lil' black dress!  Just one of the many amazing things about breastfeeding, at least in my case I eat, eat, eat, and I keep losing weight.  I want to keep nursing her if only for the extra calories it burns (and the health aspects for the baby, of course, I'm not THAT shallow).

I don't know what the bride and groom's family must have thought about us, though.  We were the only people with a baby, we sat her at the bar while she was munching on apple slices, then put her on a baby carrier so she could nap while we still mingled, I drank wine, then we found a quiet side room and breastfed her (while still in my cocktail dress), then we danced around with her.  Did we achieve looking carefree and delighted with our own daughter, or were we those crazy parents that start the cautionary tales?  I don't want to find out.  We had fun, our friends were happy to have us there, and it was a wonderful afternoon.

At the end of the day, we are true attachment parents.  Our baby goes wherever we go, and as long as her needs are met (food, sleep, clean diapers), her entertainment can be following mom and dad around.  I think she had a blast, and the moment she began to be fussy I put her in her baby carrier so she could feel close to me and protected.

Lots of little things

It's been a weird week, with all the rain and us having the slight sniffles.  It's just enough to keep us home bound, only venturing nearby in the neighborhood and going a bit stir crazy.   I have nothing specific to write about; just wanted to do a general state of the union.

- On Wednesday we went a baby sing-along in a neighborhood cafe, and Cupcake LOVED it.  A few weeks ago we'd gone to check out a music "class" for babies (I have an entire rant on classes for 6 month olds, but I'll save that for another day), and she was wholly uninterested.  So we went to this sing along as a lark, since it was raining and it was only 2 blocks away.  Cupcake was mesmerized by the songs the entire 40 minutes, and I got to chat with some friends that had gone too.  Win-win for everyone.

- We've been battling the mildest and stubbornest of colds since last week.  It's just a stuffy now, that will. not. go. away.  Aaaargh!  Cupcake seems to be dealing fine with it, her mood is unaffected.  But it's messing up her sleep, since the stuffy nose will wake her up, and force her to spit out her pacifier.   All the wonderful progress we'd made a couple of weeks ago with her 1.5 hour naps?  Pretty much gone.  At this point we're back to rocking her to sleep.  I mean, anything to get the rest her body needs.

- I might be over-dramatic, but I went ahead and called her metabolic doctor for advice on what to do.  That's why they're there, right?  They told me to not worry about it if she didn't have a fever, but IF she got a fever, her new L-Carnitine dosage is 2.5 ml three times a day.  Man, I'm glad she doesn't take it everyday, or we'd be going through it like crazy.  They also reassured me that as long as she eats something every 2.5 hours, her sugar levels should be fine.  And yes, a snack of solid food does count.

- We've been having crazy naps all week because of the stuffy nose.  It seems the discomfort wakes up Cupcake before her sleep cycle is finished, so she's been waking up cranky yet unwilling to go down again.  I've been rocking her a lot, and it really feels like her sleep is regressing.  Isn't there supposed to be an 8 month sleep regression?  I really hope this is it.

- Cupcake is standing like crazy.  No longer happy just chilling on her butt, she must now stand at all time or else.  Which results in me having to be behind her at all times, because ma'lady hasn't figure out how to fall gracefully yet.  We've gotten her foam tiles for the floor (about time), and they look wonderful, but still, must watch her closely.  I have a feeling we're gonna skip crawling altogether, she's seriously ready for walking.  Any minute now....

- We might be working on another tooth.  There's nothing visible on her gum, but she's drooling like crazy.  Will it appear soon?  It'd be lovely if it could explain why she's having such disturbed sleep.

Finding a balance between motherhood and me

I keep having this anxiety feeling that I'm doing it all wrong.  I don't know where it's coming from.  Up until now I've been a pretty confident parent, owning the things I didn't know and celebrating the issues we solved by the seat of our pants.  I know that parenting is something you figure it our as you go, and I've been fine with it.

I think I'm having issues with what parenting is doing to me.  What is happening to "me."

Though I love my identity as a mom, I've never wanted it to be the only thing that defined me.  I am a mother, a wife, a sister, daughter, traveler, and for a long time I was a designer, professional, student, etc, etc.  Of course, this isn't groundbreaking, and everyone is made up of many parts of themselves.

It's more of a realization that mothering is currently completely eclipsing my other parts, and I'm mostly upset about how its affecting my professional identity.  Long before Cupcake came along I had a career, a master's degree and a professional path.  Shortly before I got pregnant I was laid off  due to the US economic crisis and spent some time figuring out how to find gainful employment again and taking underpaid freelance work just to stay active in my field.  It's not like Cupcake ruined me professionally and took me away from a thriving active career.  We were even glad I got pregnant so quickly, because it meant I could stay home with her until the economy recovered.  No cost of opportunity to be home with the baby.

There's a part of me that feels time passing me by.  Taking care of a baby/child is all consuming, there's little in the day left for me.  And I struggle to find help for the house, have an afternoon off, I'm filled with anxiety if I am doing the right thing.  Namely, should I pay someone to watch Cupcake and/or clean the house?  Or were we really stupid to not have done this sooner?  These are opposing views, I know.  I'm just on edge, like I'm letting myself go and by the time Cupcake is a toddler I won't know the way back to me.

We've been debating moving back to our home state to be closer to family.  Mmmm.... debating is not the right term, we've decided to move back when Nate fulfills his work requirement to be licensed.  And I'm filled with a combination of feelings: on one hand, I'm glad we're going back closer to relatives who want to babysit and help out, but I'm sad to leave this amazing city and neighborhood, and resentful that we still have to wait a few months, and fearful that once we move back I'll be able to find a job and then I have no excuse for my malcontent.

My husband is wonderful about giving me time off, and being there for me.  I fear that as I wallow in self pity, I'm not able to offer him the same level of support and affection.  I don't want motherhood to eclipse my role as a wife.  How do other people balance it? 

Sleep regression

I'm at the end of my rope.  I just can't be an effective night-time parent.  From everything I've heard of how motherhood changes you, I guess I was expecting that my body would go through some chemical adjustment that would let me be sleep deprived but still functional.

No such luck.  I still struggle at night, and if I don't get 7 hours of sleep I'm an emotional mess.  When I was pregnant we were aware of these issues.  Nate is a total superhero who can function on 4 hours of sleep, then go to work, come home and fix all the door hinges and still have energy to listen to me go on about my day.  So before Cupcake came into this world we agreed that he would be on night duty, while I was in day duty.  At the time we imagined him resettling cupcake a couple of times a night and maybe giving her bottled breast milk.  Meanwhile I could sleep and not get migraines. 

Then reality hit.  Cupcake needed to feed around the clock, so I was just breastfeeding her around the clock.  And because I was feeding so often, I couldn't really get enough pumped reserves, which meant I wasn't getting a break at night.  And so on, and so on.  All of the sudden our nighttime plan wasn't really working.

Before I ever thought of having children, I remember talking to a couple of women with babies who said that after giving birth your relationship to sleep changes.  You no longer *need* as much sleep, your needs just shift naturally.

This is not biologically true, in my experience.  I still need sleep to function as a sane productive person.  And after almost 7 months of getting up during the night no matter what, my body is giving up.  It's done.  Finito.

Last night Cupcake woke up and cried for about an hour and a half.  We have no idea what was actually wrong with her.  Teething?  Growth spurt?  Allergies?  Cold?  Gassy?  Digestive issues?  Separation anxiety?  She'd cry, and our usual system of patting her wouldn't work, so Nate would pick her up, and she'd calm down, then the second he'd try to lay her down on her crib she would start the crying again.

After 45 minutes of this he also gave up (I had thrown in the towel a long time ago and told him I was fine with just letting her cry).  And we did what I swore I'd never do, attempt to let my baby cry herself to sleep.  We were there, next to her, and Nate had his hand on her chest, but still.... I can't believe I was ok with it.  I was just sooooo tired.

She whined and moaned for about 20 minutes, then it looked like she was going to sleep, then she started to cry loudly, went back to sort of sleeping and then she started screaming hysterically at about the 35 minute mark.  And my husband is much more sensitive than I am, because he just couldn't take it.  I ended up feeding her at that point and she zonked out (and stayed asleep for over 4 hours!).  Too little too late though.  And I honestly don't think feeding her at the beginning would have helped, she'd just eaten an hour and half before, she wouldn't have been hungry at the beginning.  After the hour and half, then yes, totally legitimately  hungry.

I don't know what to do.  I don't want to keep co-sleeping.  I was happy with it before, but now she likes to stick her hand in my mouth as she drifts off to sleep and it just hurts. The crib next to our bed was working, but now she doesn't seem to be ok with it.   I don't have the stamina to get up at night, but I don't agree philosophically with CIO as a means to self sooth.  I'm at an impasse.

This little 18 lb princess is kicking my a$$.  Though she didn't seem happy with last night's fiasco either, at least she had the decency to wake up cranky and not well rested.  I know, I know, it wasn't pleasant to deal with her in that mood, but I think I would have been really annoyed if after such a horrible night she was all smiles as if this was the most natural thing in the world.  The fact that she didn't enjoy it either gives me hope that this is not the "new normal."

I have faith that at some point this will all sort itself naturally.  After all, my parents never sleep trained me, and at some point I learned to sleep through the night.  And I've never met a teenager that needs to be rocked to bed, so it does stop.  Just... when?  How much longer will this go on?

Today's musing

There's a tenuous five minute period, when the baby falls asleep on her crib, I take my hand off her chest (she likes to hold my hand to fall asleep), I gently step back to leave the room, slowly humming softer.  During this window, if someone drops a pin two blocks away, she will hear it.

Once this magical time is over, a marching band can be tuning up outside her window and she will sleep through it.

How does that work?

Can I leave my baby with a sitter

Since Cupcake is now almost 7 months, my defenses are relaxing enough to leave her with others for care.  Not that I've actually done it yet, but it's the intention that counts.

Now, before we all go crazy and assume I've had this child attached to my hip for the last 6 months (after having her attached to my stomach via umbilical cord, no less), I have to make a caveat that my parents have stayed with her several times.  Every time my mother has visited, Nate and I have taken the opportunity to go out as a couple.  When we've gone back home, we've left Cupcake with them while we grabbed dinner/ caught a movie/ etc.

So we've actually done pretty good for ourselves in terms of having frequent "date nights".  Of course my parents don't live in the same state as us, so although we've left cupcake with them on several occasions, it's still something associated with visits and travel.

But now I'm debating finding a drop-in daycare place to leave Cupcake an afternoon per week or so.  I have some licensing exams to take, and I would like to get them done before returning to work.  I don't know how long it will take until I go back into the work world; might be 6 more months, maybe another year, or more depending on when we have another kid.  Nevertheless, when the kid(s) eventually go to preschool there will be no reason for me to be home all day, and at that point I would like to be done with all my 7 exams to be a licensed professional. 

Of course I have trepidations.  I'm convinced that Cupcake will freak out, since she's largely a shy little girl who needs to be in constant contact with me when we go to social events, be they adult gatherings or mom&baby play-dates.   So I worry that if I leave her with someone else, there will be screaming tears.  And though I understand that a bit of crying never killed anyone, I think it would really hurt me.  In my sensitive little heart.

I need a bit of a break though.  I'm running myself thin trying to keep up with baby, house, marriage, self, and now adding the abstract concept of my career.  But will I actually trust my Cupcake with a total stranger?

I have no family nearby, so cousins, aunts and grandmas aren't an option.  And I'm a bit weary of one-on-one nannies that I don't "know", because really, what will they be doing at my house while I'm not there?  Maybe I need to have someone come over and take cupcake out to the playground while I stay home and study.  My neighborhood is full of nannies, how did everyone else figure it out?

Telling a 6 month old baby to cry it out so they can learn to fall asleep by themselves feels misguided. 

What's next, telling Cupcake to change her own diaper?  I wipe her butt after every bowel movement, and gently put her butt paste to prevent diaper rash.  Do I do this lovingly? Yes.  Do I find it gross and smelly?  Of course, I mean, have you ever changed a baby's diaper after they've had bananas or sweet potatoes?

But it would seem ludicrous to leave the little baby to cry until they learn to change the diaper themselves.  So why do we do it with sleep?

I know it's probably a bad analogy, because potty training does happen, and for many it's a frustrating and complex process.  But that's when they are older,  when they understand the concept of what they're doing.  And the current thought is to let the kid lead their potty training process, to make sure they are committed and ready.

Why isn't sleeping handled the same way?

I know, the easy answer is that wiping Cupcake's butt takes me all of 3 minutes, and thanks to disposable wipes and diaper genies we are hardly in contact with the actual poop.  While waking in the middle of the night is exhausting, debilitating and affects the whole family's sense of well being.

But to the baby it's all the same.  They're not doing it to annoy us.  This isn't a competition over who's in control.  Because we both are.  I am the mother and as such am in "control" of my child, in that she eats, has a roof over her head, and doesn't fall out the window.  My child is in control because most of her needs are immediate, and basic.  Actually, I don't think Cupcake is in actual control of anything here, she's just trying to figure out how to exist.

And unfortunately for me and Nate, sometimes those struggles happen at 3 am.

Letter to my baby: 6 months

Dear Cupcake,

You are 6 months old today, and I am amazed at how much you've grown and how we can't even remember what life was like before you made us a family.  Seriously, how did we spend our evenings?  It feels like we always gave you carrots, played with you, and did your night time routine.  Its so nice.

You're getting really big, and according to your pediatrician, you are still on the 95+ % for height.  Since a couple of days ago, you can sit by yourself for long periods of time.  Today you spent long stretches sitting on your activity gym playing with your toys.  I couldn't be prouder of how strong your muscles are.  You like rolling over from your back to your belly, but you haven't figured out how to roll back.  Why is that?  Specially since you don't really enjoy tummy time that much.  It's a curious thing.

We think you are teething, because you were waking up a lot a few nights ago.  Mama & Dad are tired, little one, so please be nice to us. Then last night you slept wonderful, only waking for your scheduled feeds, so who knows what's going on with your biological clock.  I've even acquired a bunch of sleep books from friends to help you sleep better.  Do you need them?  I just want you to be getting the rest that you need to grow and be happy.

You have started eating some solid foods.  So far you really like bananas, though I am terrified of what they are doing to your diapers.  In the next few days we are going to embrace solids full throttle, so get ready for lots of fun tastes and textures.

Recently, you have also discovered our faces, and we keep getting poked and prodded by your adorable fingers.  Do you know that you are super strong?  I am amazed how hard you can pull hair, or scratch my nose.  Your nails also grow incredibly fast, it must be a good sign.  Maybe your got my fingernails after all, and you'll enjoy an adulthood of super strong unbreakable nails.

Last weekend we took you to play on the swings for the first time.  You had so much fun, and I hope this is the beginning of lots of trips to the play ground.   I can't wait to take you to the Zoo, so you'll finally get what all these animals and sounds are about.  Or the botanical gardens, or Times Square, or the beach.

For your half birthday, we got your a gift.  You now have a Sophie Giraffe.  Please don't think we are cliches, it just looked so cute at the store, and we wanted to give you something special.  Because we love you sooooo soooo much.  You have no idea.  You probably think it's totally normal to be part of our family.  But before you were born, we weren't a full family yet.  We are still getting used to it.  There are mornings when I wake up and I stare at you and your dad sleeping next to each other and I'm so happy you came into our lives.

Keep growing, my little cupcake.  Life is wonderful, and I'm so glad you are getting to enjoy it.

Love,

Mom

What do you do with a crying baby in a car?

Yesterday we had a strange crying incident at the grocery store. Cupcake was getting fussy near the end of the shopping session, making tired nooses, sounding like she was *about* to start crying.   That's not the strange part, btw, that's just a baby getting tired of being out for errands all afternoon.

The crazy part was once we got her in the car seat, thinking she'd finally relax and let the car lull her to sleep.   Oh, we were so naive.   Apparently, what she wanted was to scream and cry uncontrollably.   I'm not usually so utterly defeated by my own child, but there was NOTHING I could do to distract her. My songs, rhymes, and sleep-shushes fell on deaf ears.   She just kept crying.  And have you ever been trapped in a car with a hysterical baby?  Exactly.  

I felt so helpless.  I knew in my heart of hearts that there was nothing actually wrong with her - she wasn't hungry, in pain or had a dirty diaper.   She just looked tired.   Actually, I suspect that we finally learned today what true over tiredness looks like. (The books talk about it, but I swear I thought being over tired was just parents being dramatic, which wouldn't be the craziest assumption ever.  My apologies.)

Eventually I had no choice but to give up and cry along side her. After a few more blocks of this Nate and I switched places.  I drove us the rest of the way home and he finally managed to distract her, though briefly, with a rattle.  It was sooooo exhausting.   We got home, got her out of the car seat, and I rocked for not even two minutes and she was OUT. (Nate, mean while, was his usual rock star self and unloaded the groceries, carried our stuff and parked the car)  On a side note, we had to aspirate her nose, which was probably a huge factor in her frustration.


Blegh, not fun.


On the positive side note, we now KNOW that we're not cut out for CIO (Cry It Out) as a valid form of sleep training.  I'd always suspected that letting a baby cry just didn't "jive" with our temperament, but now we have confirmed it.  


Granted, proper CIO involves making sure all your baby's basic needs are met, and then letting them cry in a controlled environment while you cover you ears in the other room.  But my heart broke for Cupcake screaming in the car, tears flowing freely down her red cheeks.  It stressed me to no end.  Sure, letting her cry for 30 minutes might get her to fall asleep at night on her own, but I just don't think I'd be able to sleep knowing that she had cried so much.  Call me sappy, but I would just have bad dreams of Cupcake being in a crisis and me not being there to help her.  Nate is right there with me, so we're a unified front.   And what's good is a sleeping baby if you can't catch a wink yourself?


Well, glad at least we got that part of our parenting philosophy figured out.

Flying with a baby

We've just spent 10 days visiting the grandparents in Texas, and man, it's been amazing and exhausting.

This is actually Cupcake's second trip on a plane, but the first time she was 2 1/2 months and slept the entire flight. (Of course, at the time, I was super terrified of having that baby that would cry the entire plane ride.  Silly me, not realizing that babies under 3 months sleep and sleep and sleep some more).  Five-and-a-half-month-olds, however, stay awake for 2 hours at a time, need to be entertained, and have clear idea of what they want.  And they like to express it.

So here are my tips for flying with a baby older than 4 months, old enough to be awake, but not quite crawling/walking yet.

 -  Take a carrier.  We had an Ergo (awesome!), but really, any carrier that your baby is used to will do.  We were able to move around the airport with no problems, and Cupcake was close to me at all times.  We took a stroller as well, but we just piled it with all the stuff and rolled it (hello free airport cart!).  I even used the Ergo to rock her to sleep while we were flying.  I just bounced around the cabin during the roaming times.  People probably though I was crazy, but who cares, the baby was content.

- The stroller/car seat can be gate checked.  We also had Nate go into the plane first (when they called for all the people with small children to board early) so he could take care of disassembling the stroller, getting our carry-ons on the overhead compartment, and get our space set up.  I went in at the very end to minimize the time cupcake would spend in the plane.

- If possible, see if your neighbors can move to another row.  This worked wonderfully on our flight to Houston, where we had three seats to ourselves.  Cupcake had room to sit, stretch, and we were able to change her diaper on the seats.  On the flight back, however, we had no such luxury, as it was a full.

- Take a boppy pillow.  Seriously.  Though it seems like a bulky item to take as a carry on, it helped us sooo much.  We just crammed it into a rolling carry-on and took it out once we were on the plane.  I was able to breastfeed comfortable, support her so she could sit on her own seat, and have her nap on me without my legs going numb.

- This is an oldie but goodie, but feed during takeoff and landing.  I discovered that once cupcake began to be upset with landing, I didn't care who saw my boob, it was just about keeping my baby happy.  And you know what?  no one seems to care if you feed your baby on the plane.  I guess people would rather have a nipple  flash than hear a cranky crying baby, and I don't blame them.

- Pack three extra outfits.  Because yes, they will have a blowout on the plane.  Not in the airport.  Not right before you leave, while still in the comfort of your home (unless, of course, you have packed all their clothes and the cab is waiting outside).  And they will need changing.  So it's easier to just prepare for the diaper equivalent to the apocalypse.

In the end, what made the biggest difference was having both of us there with Cupcake. Even though the bulk on the baby entertaining and soothing fell on me (she seemed to have a serious case of mamitis), it was still reassuring to know that Nate was there to hand off the baby when I needed to use the bathroom.

Sleep training an MCAD baby?

MCAD and sleeping through the night don't go hand in hand.  So while many fellow moms are debating their parenting philosophies regarding nighttime, we are secure in knowing we are not going to get a full night sleep for many months.  Whether Cupcake wants to or not.

It's surprisingly freeing, and we also figured we wouldn't have to deal with sleep training.  After all, the ultimate goal in all the techniques is getting the baby to sleep through the night uninterrupted, so it didn't apply to us.

And yet....

Originally we had to set the alarm and dream feed Cupcake, as she would sleep the whole night with no problems.  Back in those first three months we though we had the best baby EV-ER, and we would curse the MCADD that wouldn't let us sleep.  Then the 4 month sleep regression happened, and she started waking up a couple of times a night before the alarm clock.  This was fine, as it felt much more natural to feed an awake and hungry baby than a sleeping one.  But waking 2 times a night begat 3 times a night, and before we knew it, she was waking 4+ times and I was feeding her every time.

It made sense to nurse her for every night waking.  Firstly, its the fastest way to get her back asleep.  But mostly it was a way to make sure she wasn't fasting at any point in the night.  However, this system is not sustainable, and even the most dedicated of moms needs to get sleep once in a while.  We had to figure out a way to get her back to the 4 hour nighttime schedule.

We started our own version of sleep training.  No crying, lots of rocking and soothing, and eventually, at just about the 4 hour mark, we'd feed.  The idea is that she'll be actually hungrier then and eat more, which will hold her over for another 4 hours.  I just can't have her lightly grazing every night, it's too much for me and I end up being a snappy mom the next day from sleep deprivation.

It's not a fool proof system.  One of the nights we managed to soothe her back to sleep at 4:30 am, only to find her asleep at 6 am when she was due to eat.  Which then gets us in the never-wake-a-sleeping baby conundrum.   So... should I feed her at 4:30 have her graze every 2-3 hours (and she'll eat when she's awake, yay), or try to get her in a schedule but have to make sure I'm setting the alarm?  I like the stability of her eating on a schedule at night; I don't have to worry about tracking when she ate last, which is hard to do when one is half asleep.

The books don't have answers.  There doesn't seem to be any advice out there for this type of situation.  So we soldier on, doing our modified sleep training, and as we rock her, we imagine the Rocky theme in the background.  Actually, I have sung her to Rocky music to sleep before. She seems to like it.

Joining a Mom group

I remember a time before I joined the neighborhood parent group.  Those dark days when I thought it might be silly to join an email list-serve (that, and our group actually charges a nominal joining fee).

What was I thinking?

I honestly don't know how we would have survived the last 4 months without our mom group.  I say four months because we had help from family the first month of Cupcake's life.  And I was still recovering from the c-section and getting my bearings with this whole parenting thing, so I was in no condition to socialize anyway.  Since we joined we are now part of a community, we interact with other moms and babies, we exchange parenting advice, we laugh and cry together, and mostly, it's an excuse to get out of the house.  It's a reference point.  I joke to Nate that those are my work meetings, and them my co-workers.  It makes sense if you see parenting as a job (though underpaid, under-appreciated, and much more rewarding), so these outings are part of the social interaction would happen at every office.

Not that I'm preaching, but every new mom (specially those that aren't back at work) should join a mom group.  Yes, I thought it might be silly too.  But then I realized that when I first moved to NYC, I joined a volleyball team with the intention of making new friends through a common interest.  And I made some wonderful friends there.  So really, why shouldn't I join a group where we had the new-parent aspect in common.

Now our schedules are full.  Mondays it's one coffee shop,Tuesdays another, Wednesdays play-dates at rotating houses, Thursday's free, and Fridays a nearby cafe.  There have even been brunch outings on the weekends.  These outings fill our days and add a sense of structure to our week.  And all this through the worst of winter, so I can't wait to see how active we'll be now that the weather is getting nicer.

La Leche League meeting

I'm officially obsessed with parenting.  What can I say, Cupcake just turned 5 months, and she's just so .... awake, aware of the world, and opinionated.  And those opinions include not wanting to nap longer than 40 minutes at a time, a dictator-like control of exactly when she wants to be held and for how long, and waking up several time through the night to... hang out, I guess, I'm not sure what her agenda is there.

The night wakings are of particular stress to me.  Not just because I'm someone who enjoys my sleep (will I ever get to experience the wonders of sleeping in again?), but because they intersect with parenting philosophies and her MCADD needs.   Most of the people in our Mom group seem to be going through sleep training, or at least the most vocal moms.  And I hear them comparing CIO stories, or how their babies are now sleeping 10 hours straight, or whether it was hard to give them tough love but now they're sleeping in their own room, etc.  Why does it feel like they all joined forces and did this at the same time?  Did I miss the sleep training memo?   I was beginning to feel like the odd duck.

Then I met the lovely ladies of our local La Leche League chapter.  What an amazing group of women dedicated to breastfeeding and helping each other through the process.  And also,we  finally saw the crazy attachment parents I'd been waiting to meet since I found out I was pregnant.  I was beginning to think Brooklyn had become mainstream.  And boy, they were incredibly reassuring to  my parenting instincts.  Sometimes it's good to see the extreme version of your parenting philosophy, and have that mother content and functional, to appreciate your own position in the middle.

Their attitude towards nigh wakings was refreshing.  I'm paraphrasing the things they would say:

- I love the night feedings , its my chance to bond with my baby, just the two of us without all the distractions of the world

- Its how I make sure she's getting all the nutrition she needs

- You must feed regularly through the night to keep your milk supply, what, you don't feed 5 times through the night, oh you poor dear!

- Of course I co-sleep, it makes it so much easier to feed those 5 times per night that the baby needs for nutrition and bonding!

Finally!  People who respond to night-parenting by breastfeeding and think it's great!  When talking to other people who are sleep training, I'd always felt that MCAD was the only reason why I was staying up with the baby.  Now I realize that there are many many wonderful (not insane) mothers who also feed on demand at night.  It's a way of seeing our night routine as a parenting choice rather than the consequence of Cupcake's disorder.

Next meeting is in a month.  I'm looking forward to it.