Sleep Chronicles

It's been a busy last few weeks, both in Cupcake's life and in ours.  The main issue with Cupcake is a bizarro sleep regression that I'm having a hard time dealing with.  Please forgive the dangling preposition, my mommy brain isn't functioning very well.  Sleep deprivation is a b-ch.

Life before baby

Life after baby

 I also seem unable to organize my thoughts into a standard essay-style blog entry, so maybe I'll just try to touch the highlights of what's going on with us.

- We tried a form of modified sleep training.  Basically, my arms gave out and I just couldn't rock her anymore for as long as she needed.  The new plan was to rock her for 5 - 10 minutes (which seems reasonable, since she is, after all, a baby), then set he down on her crib.  At this point, if she cries, just sing to her and pat her and reassure her that I'm there.  She cried, and wailed, and looked very angry, but never more than 15-20 minutes.  I would stay in the room with her, not wanting the issue of sleeping of her own to get confused with separation anxiety. 

It worked, I admit.  Hearing her cry felt terrible, but she would fall asleep, and stay asleep for an hour.  Then proceeded to be in a wonderful mood the rest of the day.  I had feared that she'd hate me for doing this to her, but a baby's short term memory is bliss.  Mostly, I felt like I had no choice, since I couldn't rock her.

- I'm not sure how I feel about crying to sleep, even though we had to do it.  It seemed to me that Cupcake started waking up from naps mid cry, as opposed to the cooing she used to do.  Am I projecting?  Probably.  Reminds me of Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog, when Captain Hammer is frozen mid song, and when he unfreezes he finished the note where he left off.  Yes, I just compared my 10 month old's napping pattern to Dr. Horrible, what of it?  In any case, even though my arms were finally getting rest, I wasn't fully convinced that this was the best approach for us.  A week and half later, she was still crying 10 minutes per nap.  Is that normal?  Shouldn't she be happily self soothing by now?

- She's learned to stand on her crib.  She's known how to pull up for long time, but she finally figured out how to go from laying down to sitting, and from there the rest is easy.  So now, I can't even let her cry as an option, because as soon as I put her down on the crib, she immediately sits and stands.  It's so quick, I could blink and I'd miss it.

Which leaves me with some options, rock her to sleep until she's really good and zonked out.  Which.... no, this is what got us in this predicament.  My arms can't rock a 22 lb baby.  Not gonna happen.   Or I could take her out to nap on the stroller.  Or I could just leave her to cry and figure it out for herself.

I've tried to let her fuss it out, and it's just not working.  She cried, gets completely red and snot nosed, and just doesn't let down.  At what point do I throw in the towel?  So far I'm stopping the torture after 20 minutes, I just assume she wasn't tired and we can try for a nap again later.

- Have I mentioned that she's just kinda not sleeping during the day but stays in a great mood?  She looks exhausted, will fall asleep within 30 seconds of me rocking her, and wakes as soon as I put her on the crib.  But once I pick her up she's all smiles, plays well on her own, and largely shows no signs of being tired or overtired.  I'm trying to remind myself that at this age many babies only need one nap, so as long as she gets one nap in there, it's all good.  She'll fall asleep when she's tired enough, right?

- The sleep training has had one awesomely positive side effect.  Cupcake now sleeps on her stroller again.  After a 5 month stroller strike, she now will happily zonk out in her umbrella stroller, her neck bending to utterly uncomfortable looking positions.   Freedom.   I can now leave the house without worrying about coming back home for naps or risk total breakdown while out.  Is it related to the sleep training, or simply a developmental phase?

- Could she possibly be transitioning to one nap?  And if so, she's gone from 3 naps to 1 in a matter of weeks.  Not sure how to handle this.

- Now with the the crib standing, she's back to waking up 4+ times a night.  We'd managed to cut it to 2, by letting her fuss it out for a few nights.  We're regressing.  And the worse thing is that Cupcake seems to be sitting up in her sleep, and then her body wakes her up.  None of us, baby included, are happy with this situation, but are at a loss on what to do.  The night we let her sort it out herself, she just cried while standing for a half hour.  I was so exhausted I let her, but we share a room, so this just wont work.  Should we set up an air mattress in the living room?  Would that work better?

I'm having a some tough weeks, where I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.  She doesn't sleep well, and it feels like a direct reflection of my love and parenting abilities.  It's hard to convince me otherwise. 

Ambivalent feelings about L-Carnitine supplements

So I'm gonna start off by saying that I'm not a fan of supplements, whatever their form.  I don't take vitamins, and I was reluctant to even give Cupcake vitamin D drops (in the end I was spotty about remembering).  I also don't give her iron supplements, choosing instead to make sure I'm feeding her meats/spinach/legumes.   This might make me a terrible, mom, but I'm cool with it.  :)

So when our doctor told us to give Cupcake daily L-Carnitine for her MCAD Deficiency, I was dubious.  But hey, I'll follow doctors orders if they're necessary.

Cupcake's New Born Screening numbers were very alarming.  So much so, that the Metabolic doctors recommended that we give her the highest dosage of L-Carnitine for her weight, which I believe was 2 ml per day.  Since we were new to the whole FaOD world, we did as instructed, and it was a colossal failure.  She would scream every time we gave her the drops, which was twice a day, and we would all dread them.  Still, if that's what's necessary, I figured we should toughen up.  I believe in modern medicine.

At our follow up appointment one week later we asked the doctor if the Carnitine was strictly necessary.  By this point, Cupcake's new labs were in, and her levels were much more stable.  She still had MCAD (I'd been hoping for a false positive, but no such luck), but the situation wasn't as dramatic.  And since Carnitine is controversial anyway, we made the decision together, with our doctor's approval, to only give it to her when she got sick. 

Our doctors trust us.  We had by that point shown them our anal retentive tendencies of tracking all her feedings and diapers, so I think they felt confident that we'd be able to make the call if anything was amiss with Cupcake.  Each case is different, of course, but I was more comfortable with giving medication only when absolutely necessary rather than as a precaution.

For her next two colds, we gave her L-carnitine from a syringe, and all was fine.  I doubt she liked it, but it was a non issue.

Then we had the recent Roseola fever scare.  When her fever spiked at over 102, we called the Metabolic Center, and they informed us that our new L-Carnitine dosage was 5 ml, two times a day.  That night, after she was done breastfeeding one side, we tried to put the syringe in her mouth and administer the meds.  Forcefully, I might add, since she was refusing it.  And then all h*ll broke loose. 

Firstly, she swatted the meds away, which seems like a normal reaction.  But afterwards, she started refusing all food and liquid.  I just don't think she trusted us anymore, after we had pried her mouth open to put nasty medication in her mouth. (And L-Carnitine smells nasty, I can't even imagine the aftertaste it must have)  Every time I tried to breast feed, she would scream and swat the boob away.  Luckily, she was okay with bottles of formula, and we were able to persuade her to have a couple of ounces.

For two days, she refused almost all food.  And this baby has one of the healthiest appetites I've even known.  It was probably the fever taking away her appetite, but it's too much of a coincidence that all this happened right after the Carnitine.  I think the two issues are related.

So we didn't give L-Carnitine to her again.  It seemed that our best shot to have her eat again would be to not freak her out with forced medicine.  Eventually she started eating, and her fever broke at just about the time we were to see the Metabolic specialist.

We discussed with our metabolic doctor what to do about the L-Carnitine next time she got sick.  And we all agreed that it's more important to have Cupcake eat real food (calories!) than take the medical supplement.  Her advice was to mix it with something to mask the taste, and she specifically recommended Hawaiian punch as something that has hides nasty medication flavors  I vowed right then and there to never judge another mother again if I see them feeding their babies nasty unnatural foods.  You never know the whole story...

So we'll be taking a break from Carnitine unless the Hawaiian punch business works out.  I understand that L-Carnitine supplementation has worked wonders for other children with metabolic conditions.  But in our case, we'll be playing it by ear for a while.

Fevers

Cupcake has a fever or 101.5 today, and she feels very warm.  So far she's still eating like a champ and cruising the furniture like no one's business.  Then again, she's also been clingier, and looks under the weather.

Thank God it's a weekend and Nate is here.  We can trade holding her, and bounce our worries off each other.  But because it's Sunday, the doctor's offices are closed, so we'd have to wait until tomorrow to have her checked.

I've called our metabolic center (they have a 24 hour line), and they told us to follow her illness, and keep feeding her every 2 hours (breast milk or solid food), and call them back if she starts vomiting or refusing food.  But otherwise, give her L-carnitine, fever reducing agents, and lots of TLC (that's Tender Loving Care).  Not much more we can do.  MCAD doesn't make Cupcake more susceptible to illnesses, nor does it make her body deal with the virus/bacteria any different.  It's not her immune system that malfunctions.  Rather, when she gets sick, we need to watch that she doesn't go into fasting, which could cause a metabolic crisis.

So it seems that everything is "under control", but man, it's hard seeing a 9 month old miserable with a fever.  She's alternating between happily energetic and whiny sleepy, depending on how much we sing to her.  We'll just take it easy today, play in the house, and make sure she's getting plenty of rest and food.

And here comes the mom-guilt.  I fear she has the coxsackievirus that's going around.  Why, oh why did I take her to that play-date on Wednesday?  Is that when she caught it?  Should I have protected her more from infections?  Last Wednesday, I made the conscious decision to take her to the picnic in the park, even though some babies had come down with coxsackievirus.  Since the infected kids wouldn't be there, I figured it was okay, and I just make sure she didn't share toys with any of the other babies.  Maybe that wasn't enough.  We also went out to the playground every day this week, even though we're having a crazy heat wave and this virus is making the rounds.  Could it be the extreme temperatures that affected her ability to fight off infection?  And if this illness gets worse and she ends up in the ER, I'm gonna have a hard time not blaming myself.  I've always believed that we can't keep children in a bubble, that it's our duty to expose them to the world.  Illnesses at a young age result in antibodies and healthier adults, right?

I just feel so bad for her right now.  She seems physically uncomfortable, and there's only so much Tylenol or ibuprofen can do.  Any other tips for a feverish baby?

Re-reading The No Cry Sleep Solution

A friend gave me Elizabeth Pantley's The No Cry Sleep Solution when we went through our 4 month sleep regression.  I read it along with Ferber's "Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems", and Weissbluth's "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child."  Of the there, Pantley's words and advice were the most relatable, and I liked her gentle parenting approach to a baby's nighttime needs.  Overall, I highly recommend it.

I've written about my opinions on Ferber (liked the theories and research, not so much the CIO methodology), and Weissbluth (hated his close minded one-size-fits-all admonishments), but I realized that I've never blogged about the No Cry Sleep Solution.  Probably because I was actively taking advice from the book, so it felt like it deserved several pages of analysis and thought.

Well, I'm ready now.  If I am to be honest with myself, Cupcake never recovered from the 4 month sleep regression.  She has some good days and some bad days, but the good days are still only 4-5 hours of sleep a night, and on the bad days she needs to nurse every 2 hours (she doesn't have nighttime needs beyond food, it seems).  The bad times are not too terrible, compared to some other stories I've heard, but still, I'm getting worn out.

I want to respond to my child's needs, and if she needs to eat at night, then she shall have milk.  However, I also want to help her self soothe to the best of her abilities.  Nothing wrong with gently directing the child towards more sleep independence, right?

Over the next few weeks/days I plan on going over the book again, and hopefully writing about our experiences with it.  What worked for us, what didn't, and what things don't work because we might just have totally unrealistic expectations.

Baby Earrings - solved

We went back to our pediatrician today, as the nurse who's the earring expert was in today.  I like her, we've seen her for a sick visit before, and she's very professional and reassuring.

She looked at Cupcake's ear and told me that the hole might not have closed all the way and that she wanted to try to get the earring through before re-piercing.  No reason to put Cupcake through pain if it wasn't necessary.

I gave her our earring (the thinner one), and she managed to poke it in through the back (which is where we'd been having trouble).  So it was decided, the hole was still there, so we could just push the original thicker earring through. I wanted the thicker earrings because their backs have a locking mechanism and would be safer.

So she asks me to hold Cupcake down while she gets the earring in the hole,  and in the second try it goes in!  Sure, Cupcake cried, but it was more of the angry cry rather than pain. It wasn't her usual banged-her-head high pitched shriek, but more of a low angry cry.  If I had to translate it from baby talk, it would probably be something to the effect of: "stop touching me, weird nurse lady, I want to practice standing... why are you still touching me, why can't I move my arms!"  I can handle her anger.  As soon as the nurse was done, I picked Cupcake up, and all was well.  She got a Mum Mum to distract her, and she promptly forgot that she was upset.

Our pediatrician didn't even charge us for this.  I'm so grateful at how professional and thorough they were with all this. I felt like Cupcake's ears were in good hands.  We were at her pediatrician's in a sterile environment, where a medical professional is overseeing it, and her ears are fine.

Drama is over.  Back to our regular programming.

Baby Earrings - follow up

I went to the pediatrician today to see what to do about Cupcake's missing earring. We'd tried to put it back ourselves last night, but we couldn't get it through. I called her doctors office (where they did the original piercing), and the doctor nicely told me that she could try to put it back, no biggie, just stop on by around lunch time.

We went a little after 1 pm, and waited for about 10 minutes, which is fine because our pediatrician has a wonderful waiting room full of wooden toys that must be some Montessori fantasy (you know the type, wooden, pure and very Swedish).  Cupcake has a great time playing with new toys.

When the doctor finally saw her she regretfully informed us that the hole had healed completely, and the best thing to do would be to re-pierce it.  I mean, we could try to push it  through, but then we'd be risking potential pain, and also infection.  Her medical advice was to re-pierce so we'd know that the needle was antiseptic, and they could use the proper little piercing contraption.  I was devastated.  I just could not believe that the hole could close in a mere 30 hours.  Our pediatrician was super nice about it, and reassured us that this was in fact wonderful news: Cupcake is very healthy and can heal quickly.  Well... when you put it that way...

We have another appointment tomorrow for the re-piercing, when the nurse practitioner is in.  On one hand, I'm really upset that she'll have to go through the pain again, but I'm reassured that our doctor is taking care of it.

Whatever.  My mom is currently in a conference in Spain, and I asked her if she could go  buy us some baby earrings to have as backup should she pull one out again.  I seriously don't know where one would go about buying baby jewelry in the US.

Apparently, my mother went to the first jewelry store she found and asked for baby earrings, and they had newborn, baby and toddler styles. Bless them. She started chatting with the store owner, explaining to him that she needed earrings for her granddaughter, because in the US babies don't have earrings, and told him how scared I (Cupcake's mama) was about the piercing falling off, since some people in the US considered baby piercing barbaric.  His response:  They legalized handguns,  but they consider earrings barbaric? That's ridiculous.

It's so reassuring whenever I hear of other countries that pierce.  I was feeling very mixed about it today, but it's just a cultural difference, much like Cupcake's late bedtime.   I'm still scared about the re-piercing tomorrow. But it'll be okay. It's being done in a sterile environment, and Cupcake is a tough girl.  We'll be fine.

Baby earrings

I'm having some major second thoughts about my decision to give Cupcake earrings, and I feel like a terrible mother about it.

She got earrings when she was almost 3 months old. At the time I was freaking out that we had waited too long.  I come from a country where baby girls get their ears pierced in the hospital, within days of birth, and the idea of waiting 3 months filled me with dread.

Nevertheless, after her tetanus shot, we made our appointment, and our doctor's office pierced her ears. It was a pretty easy procedure, that didn't seem to hurt cupcake too much.  Sure, she cried after the first piercing, but it seemed to come from frustration at being  strapped down more than anything else. She cried for a few minutes (they felt like hours), and then promptly forgot about it.  In fact, that evening was the first time we heard her laugh.

Our pediatrician told us to rotate them and clean them, and that after a month we could take them out and replace them with our own earrings. We ended up keeping them for almost 3 months, as we were both too nervous to deal with holes in her ears.

Finally, we got some courage and replaced the earrings.  It was stressful, but she seemed pain free, which was our main concern.  The new earrings were a gift from Cupcake's great-grandmother, and they were special gold baby earrings with a special back to protect from scratches.   Everything was gravy.

Then yesterday I found one earring on Cupcake's play mat.  Apparently, she took it off, not really sure when.  And I looked and looked, and I couldn't find the back (did she swallow it?).  No problem, I thought, we'll just put back the original earrings from the pediatrician's office and go about our way.   Except that then last night we were running errands and we got home past Cupcake's bedtime, so we had to put her down quickly and didn't get a chance to try to put the earring back.  

We tried again this evening, and it won't go in.   It goes in one side, but doesn't seem to come out the other. We've realized that the doctor's earrings are much thicker than ours, so her ear might have healed thinner during the last 3 months.  I don't know, at some point early in the procedure I had a total panic meltdown.

I feel like a selfish mother for putting holes in my baby's ears. And I tell myself that this is cultural, that I had earrings as a baby and it's perfectly normal, but we live in the states, and the constant scrutiny of people noticing her ears are pierced is getting to me.  I try to tell myself that it's better to do it when they're young, as there is less chance of infection, but then  why won't the earring go in her ear?   I'm so scared it's gonna have to be re-opened, that it's gonna be infected, that it will cause her pain.  I can't bear to have her cry over something so stupid.

I feel like a terrible mother because we might have been able to get the earring in  the hole if I hadn't freaked out. This was a two person job: one holds the baby down while the other puts the earring, and I couldn't do either. I ended up hyperventilating in the bathroom while Nate tried valiantly to fix the problem, but ultimately couldn't.   Why can't I handle it? What's wrong with me? Why am I failing when I'm needed?  I'm gonna call the pediatrician tomorrow and see if she has any advice.

What's our bedtime routine?

The bedtime routine is one of the few things we feel in total control of as parents.   We chose it, altered in response to Cupcake's preferences, adjusted things that worked better logistically, and have arrived in a routine that we all enjoy.  Cupcake is happy, we have activities to do with her, and most importantly, she goes to sleep very quickly at night.  (Does she stay asleep? No, she still nurses at night, but one issue at a time, right?

We start some time between 9 - 9:30 pm.  And yes, that's late compared  to other kids in the US, but she wakes for the day at 9:00 am, so it's a non issue,  she's getting all the sleep she needs.   So depending on how tired she is, we either try to hold her over until 9, or sometimes we are having such good family time that next thing we know its 9:30 already and it's time to get her in her bath.

First bath, always with her dad.  This is their special  time to bond and play.

Next dry off and, put on diaper, and have baby massage with lotion.  I used to do this, but now Nate has been giving her the massage  more and more often. That way I can be cleaning or cooking for longer. Then she puts on pajamas.

At this point Nate will take her to the kitchen clock and tell her what time it is.   This is my sign that they're done,and I nurse her in the couch.  She has milk, sometimes lots, though lately she doesn't seem as hungry at night.

Then we read two books.  All three of us.  Sometimes only one of us will read if the other is busy, but it's such a fun family activity, we try to do it together.  We used to skip the book sometimes when she seemed way too tired, but now we have to read it.   Then about a month ago seemed to be sleep nursing and we made the misguided decision to go ahead and take her to bed, and he screamed bloody murder, and was not content until we read two book.  Yes, two.  It's pretty cute, she likes turning the pages, and has books that are obviously her favorite.

When the books are over, I give her a goodnight kiss and she goes to our  room with her dad.  He rocks her on a yoga ball (still), and she's out within 5 minutes. He sets her down on her crib, she turns to sleep on her side, and by 10 pm-ish we are done.

It's been really great.   She really knows the routine by now, and we've been able to leave her for the evening with my mom, who followed the sequence to a T and said Cupcake zonked out with no problem.

It's curious how she seems to get that it's time to sleep.  She's energetic and awake in the bath, then gets tired and cranky during pajama time, is about to pass out during milk, but wakes completely for the books.  We used to worry about the books taking her out of the tired zone, but it seems the exhaust the last bit of energy she has left, so by the time we're done with them she's ready for sleep.

Next goal, establish a nap time system that's as effective.

Sleep regression

I'm at the end of my rope.  I just can't be an effective night-time parent.  From everything I've heard of how motherhood changes you, I guess I was expecting that my body would go through some chemical adjustment that would let me be sleep deprived but still functional.

No such luck.  I still struggle at night, and if I don't get 7 hours of sleep I'm an emotional mess.  When I was pregnant we were aware of these issues.  Nate is a total superhero who can function on 4 hours of sleep, then go to work, come home and fix all the door hinges and still have energy to listen to me go on about my day.  So before Cupcake came into this world we agreed that he would be on night duty, while I was in day duty.  At the time we imagined him resettling cupcake a couple of times a night and maybe giving her bottled breast milk.  Meanwhile I could sleep and not get migraines. 

Then reality hit.  Cupcake needed to feed around the clock, so I was just breastfeeding her around the clock.  And because I was feeding so often, I couldn't really get enough pumped reserves, which meant I wasn't getting a break at night.  And so on, and so on.  All of the sudden our nighttime plan wasn't really working.

Before I ever thought of having children, I remember talking to a couple of women with babies who said that after giving birth your relationship to sleep changes.  You no longer *need* as much sleep, your needs just shift naturally.

This is not biologically true, in my experience.  I still need sleep to function as a sane productive person.  And after almost 7 months of getting up during the night no matter what, my body is giving up.  It's done.  Finito.

Last night Cupcake woke up and cried for about an hour and a half.  We have no idea what was actually wrong with her.  Teething?  Growth spurt?  Allergies?  Cold?  Gassy?  Digestive issues?  Separation anxiety?  She'd cry, and our usual system of patting her wouldn't work, so Nate would pick her up, and she'd calm down, then the second he'd try to lay her down on her crib she would start the crying again.

After 45 minutes of this he also gave up (I had thrown in the towel a long time ago and told him I was fine with just letting her cry).  And we did what I swore I'd never do, attempt to let my baby cry herself to sleep.  We were there, next to her, and Nate had his hand on her chest, but still.... I can't believe I was ok with it.  I was just sooooo tired.

She whined and moaned for about 20 minutes, then it looked like she was going to sleep, then she started to cry loudly, went back to sort of sleeping and then she started screaming hysterically at about the 35 minute mark.  And my husband is much more sensitive than I am, because he just couldn't take it.  I ended up feeding her at that point and she zonked out (and stayed asleep for over 4 hours!).  Too little too late though.  And I honestly don't think feeding her at the beginning would have helped, she'd just eaten an hour and half before, she wouldn't have been hungry at the beginning.  After the hour and half, then yes, totally legitimately  hungry.

I don't know what to do.  I don't want to keep co-sleeping.  I was happy with it before, but now she likes to stick her hand in my mouth as she drifts off to sleep and it just hurts. The crib next to our bed was working, but now she doesn't seem to be ok with it.   I don't have the stamina to get up at night, but I don't agree philosophically with CIO as a means to self sooth.  I'm at an impasse.

This little 18 lb princess is kicking my a$$.  Though she didn't seem happy with last night's fiasco either, at least she had the decency to wake up cranky and not well rested.  I know, I know, it wasn't pleasant to deal with her in that mood, but I think I would have been really annoyed if after such a horrible night she was all smiles as if this was the most natural thing in the world.  The fact that she didn't enjoy it either gives me hope that this is not the "new normal."

I have faith that at some point this will all sort itself naturally.  After all, my parents never sleep trained me, and at some point I learned to sleep through the night.  And I've never met a teenager that needs to be rocked to bed, so it does stop.  Just... when?  How much longer will this go on?

Telling a 6 month old baby to cry it out so they can learn to fall asleep by themselves feels misguided. 

What's next, telling Cupcake to change her own diaper?  I wipe her butt after every bowel movement, and gently put her butt paste to prevent diaper rash.  Do I do this lovingly? Yes.  Do I find it gross and smelly?  Of course, I mean, have you ever changed a baby's diaper after they've had bananas or sweet potatoes?

But it would seem ludicrous to leave the little baby to cry until they learn to change the diaper themselves.  So why do we do it with sleep?

I know it's probably a bad analogy, because potty training does happen, and for many it's a frustrating and complex process.  But that's when they are older,  when they understand the concept of what they're doing.  And the current thought is to let the kid lead their potty training process, to make sure they are committed and ready.

Why isn't sleeping handled the same way?

I know, the easy answer is that wiping Cupcake's butt takes me all of 3 minutes, and thanks to disposable wipes and diaper genies we are hardly in contact with the actual poop.  While waking in the middle of the night is exhausting, debilitating and affects the whole family's sense of well being.

But to the baby it's all the same.  They're not doing it to annoy us.  This isn't a competition over who's in control.  Because we both are.  I am the mother and as such am in "control" of my child, in that she eats, has a roof over her head, and doesn't fall out the window.  My child is in control because most of her needs are immediate, and basic.  Actually, I don't think Cupcake is in actual control of anything here, she's just trying to figure out how to exist.

And unfortunately for me and Nate, sometimes those struggles happen at 3 am.

Sleep issues II - reading Weissbluth

Since cupcake started having nighttime issues, I'm becoming well versed on sleep literature.  Something I thought I'd never do.  I really dislike parenting books, specially those that offer a one-size-fits-all solution to your "problems."

Another friend gave me the Weissbluth book, Healthy Sleep Habits: Happy child.  She didn't recommend it, she just gave me three parenting books because she now has two kids and she is DONE, and she will never need these books again.  Works for me.  I have no issue in reading these book so long as I don't actually have to pay for them.

My apologies if the Weissbluth method worked for you, but I hated everything about this book.  He is the type of author that makes me hate parenting gurus: sarcastic, condescending, alarmist, and narrow minded.  In contrast to the new Ferber book, which allows for different parenting styles, Weissbluth declares one solution, and goes so far as to admonish those parents who don't follow his directives.

For starters, he states that bad sleeping habits in infancy can result in a lifetime of stress, mental problems, ADD, etc.  Seriously?  I know for a fact that my parents weren't very consistent with my sleep schedule as a baby, and so far my only big problem is that I like to read to sleep.  Big whoopdee deal.  Also, his advice is to put the child to sleep earlier and earlier.  Well, its 7 pm now, and my Cupcake is taking a nap, like she always does.  She'll be up for another 3 hours playing with her dad (who's just getting home from work), and then will be down at 10.  No, I will not put her to bed at 6:30. Yes, I want to sleep, but I also want us to have time as a family.  You see, we wanted to have kids, and thus we want to spend time with them.  I understand that it's  late bedtime, but that concept is such a cultural one.  What to do you care if Cupcake goes to bed a 10, if she then wakes up at 9 am.  And to further suggest that a parent is keeping their baby up late at night in order to avoid spending time with the other parent is preposterous.  And beside the point, really.  Because I do want to spend time with my husband.  But if I didn't, that's neither here nor there.

Furthermore, she has MCAD.  She needs to eat every certain number of hours.  So shut your holier than thou trap about how feeding during the night can have terrible long term consequences.  If I wanted a guilt trip, I could just call my grandmother.

Ugh.  I got so annoyed trying to read this book.  I just totally vented into the Internet.  We'll keep our sleep problems, Mr W, regardless of what you think.  We''ll mess her up, maybe as bad as my parents did to me.  Somehow, despite not having a regular nap schedule, or going through rigorous sleep training as a baby, I managed to have a happy, fulfilling and successful life.  How do you explain that?

Diapers and solids

I might be having second thoughts about this whole "solids" business.  I mean, Cupcake is obviously ready and she looooooves having her food, but the diapers are the scariest thing I've ever seen.  I swear she will never eat banana again for the rest of her life, or at least until she's potty trained and in high school.

Today she ate carrots, hopefully it'll agree better with her stomach.  We also got apples, avocados, and a sweet potato.  I'm incredibly excited to try them, mostly because she seems to enjoy food so much.  Obviously other parents have survived diapers, but how?  How can I deal with 2 more years of this?  

She also had a couple of blowouts our her back.  Maybe it's time to move to a bigger size?  She's currently using size 3s, and she weighs almost 18 lbs, but I've always heard that if you're having blowouts, its best to go up a size.  Then again, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, that I'm asking for the impossible. She'll go through a phase of explosive poops, then her digestive system will re-stabilize and then life will go back to normal again.  Or at least I hope our laundry will be slightly more... poop free.  It has to be.  I don't see 1 year-olds having every outfit washed because they keep pooping on them.  Or is this another of those dark secrets no one tells you about, like sleep regression and nail scratching.

Sleep issues, reading Ferber

So against everything I believed, I've been reading the Ferber book, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems.  A friend loaned it to me with glowing recommendations, after I confided in her how Cupcake has been waking up so many times at night.   She told me that she was adamantly against CIO (Cry It Out) too, but after actually reading the book, it's much different than the media makes it out to be, and she's been happy with the results.

That's a good recommendation as any, and while I was skeptical, there's no harm in reading a borrowed book.  I can read about how to solve sleep problems while in bed, right?  There's no irony there whatsoever.

It's strange, I was expecting to hate everything about Richard Ferber, but so far I'm just really interested in the entire theory of sleep patterns and how they mature and change as the baby gets older.  It really explains why Cupcake was such a great sleeper when she was younger, and how physiologically her body is changing and causing sleep disturbances.  I like the fact that he's an actual doctor citing her sleep research, and giving actual statistics and data.  One of the things I find frustrating about Parenting books is that they pretend to give you an overall parenting philosophy.   I mean, who are these authors?  Unless they have the credentials to back themselves up, then they are just citing circumstantial evidence and preaching it as facts.

One of the things I liked about Ferber is that he doesn't preach a parenting philosophy.  He shares his sleep research, gives his take on what patterns are emerging in a child's sleep and then gives his recommendation on a potential solution to the "problem."  He also explains which sleep behaviors are normal, which are "normal" but don't have to be, and which can be a cause of concern where parents should begin to look for underlying causes.  He has no opinions on feeding schedules, discipline issues, daytime parenting.. blah blah, he's merely interested in sleep and its patterns.  That's nice.

I'm still not sold on CIO as a viable solution for us.  But reading Ferber's book is making me realize that we have "sleep associations" for Cupcake.  And the rocking her to sleep thing had been working great so far, but it might be keeping her from settling back to sleep at night, now that her body has matured and stays longer times in the light sleep phase.  So we need to create a new sleep association that she can replicate on her own.

So far, we are going to transition slowly.  Rock her for shorter amounts of time, and then set her down when she's drowsy, and then patting her and singing.  There might be some crying, but we need to be there for her.  I can't just leave her on her own, not deliberately if I'm up for dealing with her.  (I've left her to cry before, but that's been on particularly hectic afternoons where I just couldn't handle her anymore and needed some time to regroup.  I can't see myself leaving her to cry alone as a methodology.  Not yet, at least).  Hopefully, this will help her fall asleep without needing to be rocked, so when she wakes at night, she can resettle without our help.  A girl can wish.

I should add that I've been reading the new edition of the Ferber book.  It's my understanding that the original 1985 version was much harsher and dogmatic.  In fact, he has an entire chapter in this book devoted to "explaining" himself and how his ideas were misunderstood.  The new edition is much warmer and caring, emphasizing a loving night time routine and a need for the baby to feel constantly loved and reassured by their parents.  It is also incredibly open to co-sleeping, bed sharing and all styles of parenting.  The book explains how to apply new sleep associations for every family arrangement, which is refreshing.  I don't like being told what to do, but I appreciate someone giving me the tools to apply my own solutions.

Who would've thought I'd be okay with Ferber?   More on our sleeping saga as it progresses.