Update: 17 months

I haven't been updating this blog, and I fear that I'm kinda done with it.  I no longer need it, since MCAD isn't defining Cupcake's life the way I feared it would.  Our life situation has changed, with moving, I'm going back to work, etc.   Though I want to throw out the occasional update, because I've noticed people who google MCADD end up here, so I want to put out good vibes on the Internet.

Cupcake is now 17 months and she's walking, climbing, and starting to talk.  She plays with crayons, blocks and looooves reading books. Also, her latest obsession is babying her stuffed animals, she holds them, tries to feed them and walks them on her doll stroller.  It melts my heart.

She's also doing great health-wise.  At her 15 month check-up, she was at the 98% percentile for height, and over the charts for weight.  Because of that, we have been officially switched to low-fat (2%) dairy products.  We talked with our nutritionist, and we are on a heart-healthy diet, but  without any major restrictions beyond that.

Nutrition-wise, we have a little foodie.  Cupcake will try all sorts of new foods, and seems to have few texture problems.  Risottos, fish, soups, chicken, veggies, grilled meals, sandwiches, fruits, tacos, Thai, etc, she'll eat all of it.  Great for us, since we can cook one meal for the whole family.  We still stick by the old staples that she loves for snacks and lunch: bananas, blueberries, oranges, low-fat Greek yogurt, pita bread, turkey sandwiches on whole-wheat bread, cooked carrots, peas and bell peppers, chicken.  But she's cool when we want to try something else for dinner.  She's getting more opinionated about not wanting to sit on her high chair, but we're letting table manners slide.  It's more important that she eat a proper diet and develop varied taste buds.

On the breastfeeding front, we weaned at 16 months !  It was easier and harder than I was expecting, though one thing is for sure, it was the best thing for our family.  Cupcake now drinks cow's milk from a bottle.  We weren't able to transition her to a sippy cup, and thinking more about it, with her feeding requirements, we need her to still take a bottle at night.

We are still not taking L-carnitine.  Cupcake hated the taste (would violently reject it), and we had decided with our previous doctor to only take it when she was sick.  We've moved and have a new specialist in Texas, and on our first appointment he did full blood work.  Her numbers came out good (though she still has the genetic mutation for MCAD), so we concluded that she doesn't need any carnitine supplements.

We've made it 17 months without any ER visits or metabolic crises.  Luckily, Cupcake seems to have a tough immune system, and has managed to stay away from major illnesses.  To this day she's never had the stomach flu, RSV, or coxsackie, and for that, we're very grateful.  We take her out everywhere.  She's been in the NY subway several times, and goes to her fair share or playdates, library story times, grocery stores, etc.   We even took her abroad (more on that later).  We haven't done anything particular to protect her from germs, and we've been lucky that she's responded well.

Last month, we had our first ear infection.  Went to the doctor, who prescribed antibiotics, and commended us for catching it so early.  Nice.  She was on antibiotics for 10 days, and it was uneventful.  Her medicine tasted like bubble gum and she loved it; she'd even ask for more.   During this time, she didn't develop any major fevers, or have any appetite problems, so her MCAD was a non-issue.  Thank Dog.

Also, we have started part-time daycare.  The goal is to have her go full time eventually, but baby steps.  My main concern was how seriously they would take her feeding requirements (since MCAD sounds made up when you try to explain it, doesn't it?), and though the daycare was very accommodating and understanding, it took a few tries for all of us to be on the same page.  I had the daycare menu approved by our nutritionist.  The next issue is that in the toddler classroom, they expect kids to self feed.  Cupcake has been refusing to, so they have to spoon feed her.   I'm hoping she'll get the hang  of self-feeding soon, but currently our main concern is that she eat regularly.  It's one of those MCAD concessions, I guess.  We also send a banana daily in her bag in case she doesn't like the menu.  So far, they've had to give it to her a few times.

It's been quite a transition. Cucpake cried the first couple of weeks during drop-off   It broke my heart, but I knew it was a good place (I had personal references and just got a good vibe from the teachers). By now, 6 weeks into it, she's fine when we arrive, and is well rested and happy when I pick her up.  This decision has been good for our family, and she's learning new skills and socializing very well.   She's had a couple of colds and the aforementioned ear infection since she started, but that seems to be par with the course.

Her current sleep arrangement is a full-sized futon mattress in her bedroom floor, Montessori style.  This way, we can lay down next to her to help her fall asleep without braking our backs.  It's an in-between to co-sleeping. At night, we transitioned slowly to less feedings by gradually adding water to her bottles.  Cupcake has been cleared to go 8 hours at night without food, so we give her only water if she wakes before the 8 hour mark.  After the 8 hour mark, we give her some milk diluted with water.  The theory is that the water satisfies the sleep association and thirst, while slowly retraining the body's hunger cues.  I think this is why she STTNs some nights, but who knows for sure? 

When she's sick, we go ahead and give her some milk in her nighttime bottles, just to be on the safe side.

One last thing, Cupcake went on her first international trip to a South America!  The flight was exhausting (toddlers don't like staying on their seat), but she did very well during the actual stay.  We were visiting family, so we had lots of extra hands to keep her entertained and active.  Our concern was food, as lots of people get food poisoning when visiting South American countries.  It's just a fact, no judgment here.   We were extra careful to keep her away from uncooked foods, and poor Cupcake missed out on amazing tropical fruit and fresh fish.   Instead, she ate lots of chicken soups, cooked veggies, mostly homemade stuff, and what do you know, she never got sick.  I was still breastfeeding her then, so we knew that no matter what she'd have a calorie source at hand.  I'm really glad we were nursing, as there were many times we found ourselves with weird schedules because of all the family obligations, and I was able to keep her fed every 3 hours, no matter where we were (house, beach, park, car, etc).

Ok, this was way longer than I intended, but its been a while. 

Updates

Life has been busy, and it's been a while since we've posted.  And I feel an overwhelming dread that there are just too many things I want to say and not enough time.  So I will paraphrase.

- Cupcake continues to do well, and is still growing and healthy.  Lately, she's been having some poop issues, which makes me think she might have more food aversions than we previously thought.  Related to MCAD?  Probably not, but worth keeping an eye on.

- We're between doctors, which I hate, but we moved twice in the last 3 months, which meant that her 12 month check up was with a doctor that we'll never see again.  Actually, we were willing to have her 15 month check up there, but apparently this doctor moved and left the practice.  The rest of the practice is too far for us to attend and meet a whole new doctor, so we're on a search for a new general pediatrician.  I don't like this, but it is what it is.

- We are also between Metabolic Specialists, which I like even less.  But we moved from Brooklyn in October, and the new specialist didn't have any available appointments until January, so in the meantime we have our emergency protocol letter and both doctors have told us to count them as the main resource.  Hopefully nothing will happen, and this will be remembered as just another snafu in our health coverage.

- Health coverage.  I seriously think nothing in my life will be as frustrating as trying to figure out the US health care system.  We've been royally f*cked one too many times, and we haven't even needed ER services yet.  At least it's all settled now.  Nate has a job, which provides full comprehensive coverage, and the last three months of COBRA, dealing with CHIP, and looking for private coverage will be but a terrible nightmare that happened some time in 2011.

-  I'm working again.  *Finally*  And even though it's only part-time right now, it's enough to afford to send Cupcake to daycare for a few days a week.  I'm looking forward to this, and I think she'll really enjoy the social interactions as well.   However, finding adequate daycare is a herculean task unto itself.  Is this just a standard issue in parenting, or am I being extra vigilant because of her MCAD?  I'll never know, I guess, this child is all I know on being a mom.

- We've been seeing a lot more family and it's great.  Lots more babysitting, and interactions with grandparents and aunts/uncles.  Cupcake loves the attention, and Nate and I are getting a much needed break.  I feel the light at the end of the tunnel in achieving more balance in my life.  Maybe I'll even start doing yoga again to regain my zen-ness.  Who know, stranger things have happened.

On moving

So here we are, halfway moved.  I say halfway because we haven't found full time employment yet, which we need in order to rent our own place.  So in the meantime we're staying with my parents.  It's been 5 days so far, and though we seem to be getting in each others space a bit, I think we're gonna be fine.   I hope.  I really, really hope.

So now we have to deal with finding jobs, getting our own place as soon as possible.  And most dauntingly, dealing with a less than desirable health insurance situation. I'm most worried about getting Cupcake a pediatrician, a new metabolic team, and keeping her happy as we deal with all these changes.

More to follow

Life changes - we're moving

I've been neglecting this blog, but it's with good reason.  We are moving across the country in a month, and this is all happening so suddenly that it's hard for me to catch my bearings.

Going back "home" is something we'd had in the back of our heads since Cupcake was about 3 months old, but it was more abstract.  As in, wouldn't it be nice is we had grandparents nearby.... let's deal with that later.   But then our crazypants landlord decided to not renew our month-to-month lease and basically gave us less than a 60 day notice to leave the apartment.  Which.... is legal but kinda wrong.  It came out of nowhere, and we still don't know why she's doing it.  In fact, she's avoided us since she sent the letter, and yes, she lives right below us.  It's a stressful situation to say the least.

So here we are, going back to Texas.  Trying to figure out how to pack up our lives and move them, get new jobs, and do all this while keeping our almost one year old sane.  Or maybe just keeping us sane, she'll be okay.  We are also super excited to live near family again.  Cupcake's grandparents want to babysit, and take her out, and give us a break.  Maybe we'll get a few nights of sleep here and there?

This also means we'll have to get a new metabolic doctor, which stresses me because I really feel we got 'in a groove with our current doctor.  I fear our new doctor might be stricter, or treat Cupcake's MCAD as something scary and debilitating, which is not an attitude that works for me. Oh well, we'll figure all this out when we get there.  It's not gonna stop the move from happening.  We HAVE to leave our apartment, and Nate has put in his two weeks.

As Martin Lawrence said in the climax of Bad Boys II, "$hit just got real'.

What's our bedtime routine?

The bedtime routine is one of the few things we feel in total control of as parents.   We chose it, altered in response to Cupcake's preferences, adjusted things that worked better logistically, and have arrived in a routine that we all enjoy.  Cupcake is happy, we have activities to do with her, and most importantly, she goes to sleep very quickly at night.  (Does she stay asleep? No, she still nurses at night, but one issue at a time, right?

We start some time between 9 - 9:30 pm.  And yes, that's late compared  to other kids in the US, but she wakes for the day at 9:00 am, so it's a non issue,  she's getting all the sleep she needs.   So depending on how tired she is, we either try to hold her over until 9, or sometimes we are having such good family time that next thing we know its 9:30 already and it's time to get her in her bath.

First bath, always with her dad.  This is their special  time to bond and play.

Next dry off and, put on diaper, and have baby massage with lotion.  I used to do this, but now Nate has been giving her the massage  more and more often. That way I can be cleaning or cooking for longer. Then she puts on pajamas.

At this point Nate will take her to the kitchen clock and tell her what time it is.   This is my sign that they're done,and I nurse her in the couch.  She has milk, sometimes lots, though lately she doesn't seem as hungry at night.

Then we read two books.  All three of us.  Sometimes only one of us will read if the other is busy, but it's such a fun family activity, we try to do it together.  We used to skip the book sometimes when she seemed way too tired, but now we have to read it.   Then about a month ago seemed to be sleep nursing and we made the misguided decision to go ahead and take her to bed, and he screamed bloody murder, and was not content until we read two book.  Yes, two.  It's pretty cute, she likes turning the pages, and has books that are obviously her favorite.

When the books are over, I give her a goodnight kiss and she goes to our  room with her dad.  He rocks her on a yoga ball (still), and she's out within 5 minutes. He sets her down on her crib, she turns to sleep on her side, and by 10 pm-ish we are done.

It's been really great.   She really knows the routine by now, and we've been able to leave her for the evening with my mom, who followed the sequence to a T and said Cupcake zonked out with no problem.

It's curious how she seems to get that it's time to sleep.  She's energetic and awake in the bath, then gets tired and cranky during pajama time, is about to pass out during milk, but wakes completely for the books.  We used to worry about the books taking her out of the tired zone, but it seems the exhaust the last bit of energy she has left, so by the time we're done with them she's ready for sleep.

Next goal, establish a nap time system that's as effective.

Swimming pool

Yesterday, as a father's day treat,  we took Cupcake to the pool for the very first time.   It's summer time, and the weather is great, but since  the local school aren't on summer break yet, the public pools aren't open .  So instead we went to a nearby indoor pool that offers open family swim Sunday afternoons.

I'm glad we went the indoor route first, because we didn't have to worry about sunburns, or Cupcake getting cold from the breeze after getting out of the water.

Our initial goal was to be there for 15 minutes, figuring Cupcake might hate it, but since we had to pay to get in, we should try to stay as long as possible.  No issue, she LOVES the water.

When  we first put her in (there's no wading pool, so this is all us holding her on the 4 ft end), she made a strange face, seemingly confused at the concept of being inside such a big bathtub.  But within minutes, seeing that both mom and dad were there with her, she warmed up to the concept. She started splashing, moving her legs, and smiling.  Big wide smiles as she looked at all the other kids playing in the pool.  I'm so glad we went, she had a wonderful time.  Didn't put her face in the water, or anything too ambitious, we just wanted to make her familiar with water.  I want her to enjoy being in the pool and the ocean.

In the end, we stayed for 35 minutes, much longer than anticipated.  And when we got back home, she zonked out for a nap within minutes.  What a great way to tire out an 8 month old baby. I expect we'll be going back many Sunday afternoons in the future.

Letter to my Baby: 8 months

Dear Cupcake,

You turned 8 months yesterday, and I cannot believe how time is flying.  It feels like yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital, and now you're an established baby, smiling at the world.

You like to eat.  A lot.  In fact, I don't think I'm keeping up with how much you could actually eat, and I constantly worry that I'm not giving you enough solid food.  Then again, I want to make sure you're still getting the bulk of your nutrition from my breast milk (yes, we are still breastfeeding!).  You current favorite food is bananas.  I think you like it so visibly because you can recognize it.  All your other food comes to you in pureed form, so you have to wait until the first bite to know what it is.  Bananas, on the other hand, we feed you straight from the source (with a spoon, of course).  The other day we were at a convenience store and I reached to buy a couple of bananas and you audibly squealed in delight.  It was hilarious, and you managed to freak out a couple of school aged kids.

At this point you have officially become a carnivore.  I made you chicken and vegetable puree this weekend, and you loved it.  Actually, not to toot my own horn, but it came out delicious.  I should have made some for all of us too.  So far you eat:  chicken breast, lentils, spinach, apples, apple sauce, pears, bananas, brown rice, sweet potatoes, potatoes, carrots, peas, butternut squash, yellow squash, parsnips, yogurt.  All your food is homemade with lots of love (and the help of blenders and ice cube trays).  Additionally, you love munching on MumMums, which is a commercial-food concession I've had to make.  I mean, they're such practical snacks.

You love standing.  Seriously.  All the time.  You stand, stand, bounce, try to walk, and stand again.  I'm certain, now more than ever, that you will bypass crawling, since you still show NO interest in ever being on your belly.  (Unless, of course, you are on your crib, since you finally sleep comfortably on your belly.)  In fact, your new trick is that you let go of whatever you're leaning on so you can balance on your own.  It's amazing watching you learn to stand on your two feet.  Sometimes you balance for half a second, a few times you've made it up to 15 seconds.  After you stand on your own, you look so excited!  It's almost like you realize the importance of what you're doing.  At this rate, I don't know how soon you'll be walking, but it'll be sooner rather than later.

On sleep.  You're habits are changing, and you've dropped one afternoon nap.  This is a bit exhausting for me, but its a good sign that you're maturing towards a more adult sleep.  I wish this also translated to you not waking up three times a night, but I try to remind myself that you're just a baby, and it's normal for you to to have interrupted sleep patterns.  

For your month-day, we took lots of pictures with the new party dress you Mamama brought you.  She's been visiting for a few days, and you love spending time with her.  And your mom and dad got some much deserved time off.  We love spending time with you, but it's also nice to go out to dinner and drinks.  Plus you got to hang out with your Mamama, so it was a win-win.

MCAD hasn't affected us yet.  You're still nursing at the same times as before, you're just eating extra solid food now.  And though you eat a lot, I know you're burning lots of calories by pulling yourself to standing so much.  So far you've been a great baby for MCAD, you have a healthy appetite and a strong immune system.  Lets hope it stays that way.

I have so much I could tell you, but soon you'll need your night feed.  

Love,  Mom

Wedding Reception

Today we went to an afternoon wedding reception, the first time we've gone to a formal event as a new family.  I wasn't too worried, because it was an afternoon event, (as opposed to an evening full out gala), a nice party with food and drinks for all the people who weren't able to fly across the country for their actual wedding 4 months ago.

And Cupcake looked a-dora-ble!  I know I'm biased, but she was the cutest baby within a 10 block radius.  She had a white dress some Argentinian friends got her from a nice boutique there (so it has that wonderful handmade quality), and a white headband.  Usually I'm against headbands, and think the poor babies in them look like their head is split in two, but I take it all back, the headband really tied the outfit together.

Also, another gigantic milestone: I fit into my pre-pregnancy lil' black dress!  Just one of the many amazing things about breastfeeding, at least in my case I eat, eat, eat, and I keep losing weight.  I want to keep nursing her if only for the extra calories it burns (and the health aspects for the baby, of course, I'm not THAT shallow).

I don't know what the bride and groom's family must have thought about us, though.  We were the only people with a baby, we sat her at the bar while she was munching on apple slices, then put her on a baby carrier so she could nap while we still mingled, I drank wine, then we found a quiet side room and breastfed her (while still in my cocktail dress), then we danced around with her.  Did we achieve looking carefree and delighted with our own daughter, or were we those crazy parents that start the cautionary tales?  I don't want to find out.  We had fun, our friends were happy to have us there, and it was a wonderful afternoon.

At the end of the day, we are true attachment parents.  Our baby goes wherever we go, and as long as her needs are met (food, sleep, clean diapers), her entertainment can be following mom and dad around.  I think she had a blast, and the moment she began to be fussy I put her in her baby carrier so she could feel close to me and protected.

Lots of little things

It's been a weird week, with all the rain and us having the slight sniffles.  It's just enough to keep us home bound, only venturing nearby in the neighborhood and going a bit stir crazy.   I have nothing specific to write about; just wanted to do a general state of the union.

- On Wednesday we went a baby sing-along in a neighborhood cafe, and Cupcake LOVED it.  A few weeks ago we'd gone to check out a music "class" for babies (I have an entire rant on classes for 6 month olds, but I'll save that for another day), and she was wholly uninterested.  So we went to this sing along as a lark, since it was raining and it was only 2 blocks away.  Cupcake was mesmerized by the songs the entire 40 minutes, and I got to chat with some friends that had gone too.  Win-win for everyone.

- We've been battling the mildest and stubbornest of colds since last week.  It's just a stuffy now, that will. not. go. away.  Aaaargh!  Cupcake seems to be dealing fine with it, her mood is unaffected.  But it's messing up her sleep, since the stuffy nose will wake her up, and force her to spit out her pacifier.   All the wonderful progress we'd made a couple of weeks ago with her 1.5 hour naps?  Pretty much gone.  At this point we're back to rocking her to sleep.  I mean, anything to get the rest her body needs.

- I might be over-dramatic, but I went ahead and called her metabolic doctor for advice on what to do.  That's why they're there, right?  They told me to not worry about it if she didn't have a fever, but IF she got a fever, her new L-Carnitine dosage is 2.5 ml three times a day.  Man, I'm glad she doesn't take it everyday, or we'd be going through it like crazy.  They also reassured me that as long as she eats something every 2.5 hours, her sugar levels should be fine.  And yes, a snack of solid food does count.

- We've been having crazy naps all week because of the stuffy nose.  It seems the discomfort wakes up Cupcake before her sleep cycle is finished, so she's been waking up cranky yet unwilling to go down again.  I've been rocking her a lot, and it really feels like her sleep is regressing.  Isn't there supposed to be an 8 month sleep regression?  I really hope this is it.

- Cupcake is standing like crazy.  No longer happy just chilling on her butt, she must now stand at all time or else.  Which results in me having to be behind her at all times, because ma'lady hasn't figure out how to fall gracefully yet.  We've gotten her foam tiles for the floor (about time), and they look wonderful, but still, must watch her closely.  I have a feeling we're gonna skip crawling altogether, she's seriously ready for walking.  Any minute now....

- We might be working on another tooth.  There's nothing visible on her gum, but she's drooling like crazy.  Will it appear soon?  It'd be lovely if it could explain why she's having such disturbed sleep.

Finding a balance between motherhood and me

I keep having this anxiety feeling that I'm doing it all wrong.  I don't know where it's coming from.  Up until now I've been a pretty confident parent, owning the things I didn't know and celebrating the issues we solved by the seat of our pants.  I know that parenting is something you figure it our as you go, and I've been fine with it.

I think I'm having issues with what parenting is doing to me.  What is happening to "me."

Though I love my identity as a mom, I've never wanted it to be the only thing that defined me.  I am a mother, a wife, a sister, daughter, traveler, and for a long time I was a designer, professional, student, etc, etc.  Of course, this isn't groundbreaking, and everyone is made up of many parts of themselves.

It's more of a realization that mothering is currently completely eclipsing my other parts, and I'm mostly upset about how its affecting my professional identity.  Long before Cupcake came along I had a career, a master's degree and a professional path.  Shortly before I got pregnant I was laid off  due to the US economic crisis and spent some time figuring out how to find gainful employment again and taking underpaid freelance work just to stay active in my field.  It's not like Cupcake ruined me professionally and took me away from a thriving active career.  We were even glad I got pregnant so quickly, because it meant I could stay home with her until the economy recovered.  No cost of opportunity to be home with the baby.

There's a part of me that feels time passing me by.  Taking care of a baby/child is all consuming, there's little in the day left for me.  And I struggle to find help for the house, have an afternoon off, I'm filled with anxiety if I am doing the right thing.  Namely, should I pay someone to watch Cupcake and/or clean the house?  Or were we really stupid to not have done this sooner?  These are opposing views, I know.  I'm just on edge, like I'm letting myself go and by the time Cupcake is a toddler I won't know the way back to me.

We've been debating moving back to our home state to be closer to family.  Mmmm.... debating is not the right term, we've decided to move back when Nate fulfills his work requirement to be licensed.  And I'm filled with a combination of feelings: on one hand, I'm glad we're going back closer to relatives who want to babysit and help out, but I'm sad to leave this amazing city and neighborhood, and resentful that we still have to wait a few months, and fearful that once we move back I'll be able to find a job and then I have no excuse for my malcontent.

My husband is wonderful about giving me time off, and being there for me.  I fear that as I wallow in self pity, I'm not able to offer him the same level of support and affection.  I don't want motherhood to eclipse my role as a wife.  How do other people balance it? 

Letter to my baby: 7 Months

Dear Cupcake,

I can't believe you're already 7 months old!  For some reason, this age feels "old".  You're now an established baby, who sits, grabs things, rolls, laughs and is the perfect age to appear in toilet paper commercials.  It feels very strange to see you as this little girl, as opposed to the blobby baby you were just 4 months ago.

You're eating food now, and you love it.  Besides avocados, which you refused to eat, you've taken great to everything else.  I make all your food, and you eat as if your stomach was a bottomless pit.  Seriously, where does it go?  You're also getting really smart at figuring out where the food is, I think you recognize your plate, spoon and bib.  Also, you seem to take it in stride when we feed you outside or anywhere that's not your high chair.  Last weekend you ate while we were at an outdoor cafe, and as soon as you saw the banana and your plate, you seemed to know what was up.  And then you finished the whole banana.  I like to think it's because you're super smart, but I might just be a tad biased.

You are also very adventurous.  If life were up to you, you'd probably live it all upside down.  Unfortunately, we have to sit you up once in a while.  You also love going to the swings.  How do I know this?  You laugh the entire time the swing is moving.  Last week we also tried taking you down the slide while you were on my legs, and you LOVED it.  Maybe you've taken after you mom, who loves roller coasters?  Only time will tell.

The weather is getting nice now, and we are going on play dates in the park.  The outdoors seems to agree with you.  You'll stay out for a long time entertained looking at people and chewing on your toys.  You are no longer fussy at play dates or seem wary of other babies.  As long as we are outside, you'll happily play alongside them, and even grab your toys back if one of your friends tries to "borrow" them.  I know you should share, but at this point I'm just happy that you recognize a toy and lean forward to grab it back.  Sharing will come later.  Don't worry, we will parent you.

You see your dad a lot more in daylight, now that the days are getting longer.  You get so happy when he arrives home from work.  You smile and your feet begin to kick.  Then you spend the rest of the evening being held by him.  You like it and he does too, and it's giving him huge biceps.  Also, this is the best time for him to flip you upside down and make you do the kinds of acrobatics your mom is not quite ready for.

Things are good, Cupcake.   We love you sooo much, and you continue to grow, smile and be healthy, which is what we want for you.  You're just such fun now that you babble, try to stand, and play.  Sometimes I feel like the Grinch, whose heart grew three sizes in one day.  Except I've always liked Christmas, so don't worry about that.

You have no idea what summer is, but I have a feeling you're gonna really enjoy it. Get ready.

With lots of love,

Your Mom

Why I'm OK with MCADD - ammended

I tried to write a few days ago about coming to terms with the MCADD diagnosis, and it came out wrong.  I'm not a writer, so sometimes I share whatever is in my head and don't realize until days later how much like a jackass I sound.  You live, you learn.

I'm not glad Cupcake has MCADD, I'm so glad and thankful that she was diagnosed.  Thanks to that we will be able to hopefully have a healthy life, with minimal hospital visits, and keeping her disorder under control through careful food monitoring.  Because we know about it, she will be able to avoid fasting and hopefully lead a perfectly normal life, free of medical interventions, physical disabilities, and developmental delays. We want this to be but one of the many things that describes her.

I struggle a lot with how to deal with her diagnosis.  And I've reached a zen point where I am good with it.  Of course I wish she was completely healthy, free of genetic deficiencies.  But I'm realizing more and more that everyone has something wrong with them.  It could be MCAD, it could be allergies, chemical imbalances, weak immune systems, asthma, you name it.  Going through all this, specially the initial doctors appointments, has been a learning experience that's made me appreciate many things I used to take for granted.

It would be nicer if my internal realization didn't come at the expense of my child having a life long medical issue.  I am aware of that.  But nevertheless I am humbled by this situation, and thankful that I'm going through the process.  I think it's part of not believing in God, it makes me struggle sometimes with how I word my internal narrative into recognizable terms.

Can I leave my baby with a sitter

Since Cupcake is now almost 7 months, my defenses are relaxing enough to leave her with others for care.  Not that I've actually done it yet, but it's the intention that counts.

Now, before we all go crazy and assume I've had this child attached to my hip for the last 6 months (after having her attached to my stomach via umbilical cord, no less), I have to make a caveat that my parents have stayed with her several times.  Every time my mother has visited, Nate and I have taken the opportunity to go out as a couple.  When we've gone back home, we've left Cupcake with them while we grabbed dinner/ caught a movie/ etc.

So we've actually done pretty good for ourselves in terms of having frequent "date nights".  Of course my parents don't live in the same state as us, so although we've left cupcake with them on several occasions, it's still something associated with visits and travel.

But now I'm debating finding a drop-in daycare place to leave Cupcake an afternoon per week or so.  I have some licensing exams to take, and I would like to get them done before returning to work.  I don't know how long it will take until I go back into the work world; might be 6 more months, maybe another year, or more depending on when we have another kid.  Nevertheless, when the kid(s) eventually go to preschool there will be no reason for me to be home all day, and at that point I would like to be done with all my 7 exams to be a licensed professional. 

Of course I have trepidations.  I'm convinced that Cupcake will freak out, since she's largely a shy little girl who needs to be in constant contact with me when we go to social events, be they adult gatherings or mom&baby play-dates.   So I worry that if I leave her with someone else, there will be screaming tears.  And though I understand that a bit of crying never killed anyone, I think it would really hurt me.  In my sensitive little heart.

I need a bit of a break though.  I'm running myself thin trying to keep up with baby, house, marriage, self, and now adding the abstract concept of my career.  But will I actually trust my Cupcake with a total stranger?

I have no family nearby, so cousins, aunts and grandmas aren't an option.  And I'm a bit weary of one-on-one nannies that I don't "know", because really, what will they be doing at my house while I'm not there?  Maybe I need to have someone come over and take cupcake out to the playground while I stay home and study.  My neighborhood is full of nannies, how did everyone else figure it out?

Teeth

Dear Cupcake,

I know it must be painful.  The mere idea of having a jagged tooth literally break through your gums sounds horrifying.  And because of this, I know you're not being  obnoxious on purpose.

Seriously, when a baby gets a tooth, the whole family suffers.  We were all up several times a night to sooth you.  We rocked you and sang, and nursed you when you'd start crying as if you were in pain and still looked half asleep.  Should we have let you sort it out yourself? I don't know, but seeing that we can see the bump in your gum, I think we're just going to indulge you as you go through this process.

I hope it ends soon.  I love you and want you to feel right again, but this is exhausting.  We can't have too many more night like this.  Or else soon we're going to stop being receptive to your cries, and none of us want that.

We're so happy you have a tooth and are working on another.  Really, we are.  I know you had little control over it, but I can't help but feel proud of how well you're growing.  I just wish it would get here, you know, faster, and without so much fuss.

There's only so much Motrin we can give you before it just gets ridiculous.  So we've decided that a bit of painkillers at night are probably good for you too (I really think you're happier when you sleep well at night), and during the day I'll just tough it out.  During the day we can play and distract you.  We'll be fine.

Just please, don't be one of those babies that is teething for three months straight.  We'll love you matter what, but I really want to like you the whole time too.

Love,  Mama

Letter to my baby: 6 months

Dear Cupcake,

You are 6 months old today, and I am amazed at how much you've grown and how we can't even remember what life was like before you made us a family.  Seriously, how did we spend our evenings?  It feels like we always gave you carrots, played with you, and did your night time routine.  Its so nice.

You're getting really big, and according to your pediatrician, you are still on the 95+ % for height.  Since a couple of days ago, you can sit by yourself for long periods of time.  Today you spent long stretches sitting on your activity gym playing with your toys.  I couldn't be prouder of how strong your muscles are.  You like rolling over from your back to your belly, but you haven't figured out how to roll back.  Why is that?  Specially since you don't really enjoy tummy time that much.  It's a curious thing.

We think you are teething, because you were waking up a lot a few nights ago.  Mama & Dad are tired, little one, so please be nice to us. Then last night you slept wonderful, only waking for your scheduled feeds, so who knows what's going on with your biological clock.  I've even acquired a bunch of sleep books from friends to help you sleep better.  Do you need them?  I just want you to be getting the rest that you need to grow and be happy.

You have started eating some solid foods.  So far you really like bananas, though I am terrified of what they are doing to your diapers.  In the next few days we are going to embrace solids full throttle, so get ready for lots of fun tastes and textures.

Recently, you have also discovered our faces, and we keep getting poked and prodded by your adorable fingers.  Do you know that you are super strong?  I am amazed how hard you can pull hair, or scratch my nose.  Your nails also grow incredibly fast, it must be a good sign.  Maybe your got my fingernails after all, and you'll enjoy an adulthood of super strong unbreakable nails.

Last weekend we took you to play on the swings for the first time.  You had so much fun, and I hope this is the beginning of lots of trips to the play ground.   I can't wait to take you to the Zoo, so you'll finally get what all these animals and sounds are about.  Or the botanical gardens, or Times Square, or the beach.

For your half birthday, we got your a gift.  You now have a Sophie Giraffe.  Please don't think we are cliches, it just looked so cute at the store, and we wanted to give you something special.  Because we love you sooooo soooo much.  You have no idea.  You probably think it's totally normal to be part of our family.  But before you were born, we weren't a full family yet.  We are still getting used to it.  There are mornings when I wake up and I stare at you and your dad sleeping next to each other and I'm so happy you came into our lives.

Keep growing, my little cupcake.  Life is wonderful, and I'm so glad you are getting to enjoy it.

Love,

Mom

What do you do with a crying baby in a car?

Yesterday we had a strange crying incident at the grocery store. Cupcake was getting fussy near the end of the shopping session, making tired nooses, sounding like she was *about* to start crying.   That's not the strange part, btw, that's just a baby getting tired of being out for errands all afternoon.

The crazy part was once we got her in the car seat, thinking she'd finally relax and let the car lull her to sleep.   Oh, we were so naive.   Apparently, what she wanted was to scream and cry uncontrollably.   I'm not usually so utterly defeated by my own child, but there was NOTHING I could do to distract her. My songs, rhymes, and sleep-shushes fell on deaf ears.   She just kept crying.  And have you ever been trapped in a car with a hysterical baby?  Exactly.  

I felt so helpless.  I knew in my heart of hearts that there was nothing actually wrong with her - she wasn't hungry, in pain or had a dirty diaper.   She just looked tired.   Actually, I suspect that we finally learned today what true over tiredness looks like. (The books talk about it, but I swear I thought being over tired was just parents being dramatic, which wouldn't be the craziest assumption ever.  My apologies.)

Eventually I had no choice but to give up and cry along side her. After a few more blocks of this Nate and I switched places.  I drove us the rest of the way home and he finally managed to distract her, though briefly, with a rattle.  It was sooooo exhausting.   We got home, got her out of the car seat, and I rocked for not even two minutes and she was OUT. (Nate, mean while, was his usual rock star self and unloaded the groceries, carried our stuff and parked the car)  On a side note, we had to aspirate her nose, which was probably a huge factor in her frustration.


Blegh, not fun.


On the positive side note, we now KNOW that we're not cut out for CIO (Cry It Out) as a valid form of sleep training.  I'd always suspected that letting a baby cry just didn't "jive" with our temperament, but now we have confirmed it.  


Granted, proper CIO involves making sure all your baby's basic needs are met, and then letting them cry in a controlled environment while you cover you ears in the other room.  But my heart broke for Cupcake screaming in the car, tears flowing freely down her red cheeks.  It stressed me to no end.  Sure, letting her cry for 30 minutes might get her to fall asleep at night on her own, but I just don't think I'd be able to sleep knowing that she had cried so much.  Call me sappy, but I would just have bad dreams of Cupcake being in a crisis and me not being there to help her.  Nate is right there with me, so we're a unified front.   And what's good is a sleeping baby if you can't catch a wink yourself?


Well, glad at least we got that part of our parenting philosophy figured out.

Flying with a baby

We've just spent 10 days visiting the grandparents in Texas, and man, it's been amazing and exhausting.

This is actually Cupcake's second trip on a plane, but the first time she was 2 1/2 months and slept the entire flight. (Of course, at the time, I was super terrified of having that baby that would cry the entire plane ride.  Silly me, not realizing that babies under 3 months sleep and sleep and sleep some more).  Five-and-a-half-month-olds, however, stay awake for 2 hours at a time, need to be entertained, and have clear idea of what they want.  And they like to express it.

So here are my tips for flying with a baby older than 4 months, old enough to be awake, but not quite crawling/walking yet.

 -  Take a carrier.  We had an Ergo (awesome!), but really, any carrier that your baby is used to will do.  We were able to move around the airport with no problems, and Cupcake was close to me at all times.  We took a stroller as well, but we just piled it with all the stuff and rolled it (hello free airport cart!).  I even used the Ergo to rock her to sleep while we were flying.  I just bounced around the cabin during the roaming times.  People probably though I was crazy, but who cares, the baby was content.

- The stroller/car seat can be gate checked.  We also had Nate go into the plane first (when they called for all the people with small children to board early) so he could take care of disassembling the stroller, getting our carry-ons on the overhead compartment, and get our space set up.  I went in at the very end to minimize the time cupcake would spend in the plane.

- If possible, see if your neighbors can move to another row.  This worked wonderfully on our flight to Houston, where we had three seats to ourselves.  Cupcake had room to sit, stretch, and we were able to change her diaper on the seats.  On the flight back, however, we had no such luxury, as it was a full.

- Take a boppy pillow.  Seriously.  Though it seems like a bulky item to take as a carry on, it helped us sooo much.  We just crammed it into a rolling carry-on and took it out once we were on the plane.  I was able to breastfeed comfortable, support her so she could sit on her own seat, and have her nap on me without my legs going numb.

- This is an oldie but goodie, but feed during takeoff and landing.  I discovered that once cupcake began to be upset with landing, I didn't care who saw my boob, it was just about keeping my baby happy.  And you know what?  no one seems to care if you feed your baby on the plane.  I guess people would rather have a nipple  flash than hear a cranky crying baby, and I don't blame them.

- Pack three extra outfits.  Because yes, they will have a blowout on the plane.  Not in the airport.  Not right before you leave, while still in the comfort of your home (unless, of course, you have packed all their clothes and the cab is waiting outside).  And they will need changing.  So it's easier to just prepare for the diaper equivalent to the apocalypse.

In the end, what made the biggest difference was having both of us there with Cupcake. Even though the bulk on the baby entertaining and soothing fell on me (she seemed to have a serious case of mamitis), it was still reassuring to know that Nate was there to hand off the baby when I needed to use the bathroom.

Eating out

I'm a firm believer that babies (actually, all children) should go everywhere.  Call me old-fashioned, but short of strip clubs and violent movies, babies should be part of society, and interact with the community as a whole.  It also helps that we live in a certain Brooklyn neighborhood known for its strollers and hipster parents.  I mean, most businesses around here cater to families (as if they had a choice), so its easy to take Cupcake out.

We've been taking her out and about to cafes, coffee shops, and restaurants since she was a few weeks old.  It's good for her to be exposed to city noise and "real" life, and its even better for us to get out of the house.  And we've accomplished this without ever setting food in a fast food joint, Chilli's, or any of those "family friendly" chain restaurants (which really seems code for mediocre food, but they'll let your toddler throw food at the wall).  I'll revisit this last statement when Cupcake gets older and starts to walk, as I'm sure I will come back and eat my words.  But it's my sincere belief that children that are exposed to restaurants and adult life from an early age learn to adapt their behavior to those situations.

Last night we went to a local Ale House for the first time.  I was a bit apprehensive because it's technically a bar, and I feared the music might be too loud.  (I should add at this moment that I have very European sensibilities, and think there's no reason children shouldn't be in a bar.  By this I mean a pub-style place, where they have food and drinks and its a relaxed atmosphere.  Keep babies away from dance clubs, fratty college bars, and smoke-filled music venues, please.)  We needn't have worried.  As soon as we arrived the bartender asked if we needed a high chair.  Oh, I love this neighborhood.

We ordered a beer and burger each.  Cupcake was awake the entire time and we took turns holding her and eating, declining the high chair offer since she can't quite sit on her own yet.  Sure, we left a  bit faster than we usually do (Cupcake began to get antsy as we were finishing our meal), but we had time to finish all our food.  Maybe "hanging out" at a pub is harder with baby, but being there for a bit is no problem.  Food was good, beer was excellent, and spending an evening with the family in an Ale House?  Priceless.

Maybe we just have a particularly chill baby, but I doubt that.  Other kids from our baby group are also perfectly quiet and happy when we meet in coffee shops or grab brunch with them in tow.  And they take them out and about in the city too.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Tummy time

Cupcake doesn't like tummy time.

I've heard this is actually quite common, that one places their young baby gingerly on a play mat, only to have said baby wail within minutes to be turned back over.  So I just avoided it.  And like many other first-time moms, I felt immense guilt about . Was I keeping my baby from developing? Would she take longer to roll over/walk/crawl/get into Harvard? You know, the common concerns with a two month old. And add to it that I kept reading that many MCAD babies had slower physical development from the norm.

Whatever. Cupcake didn't like it, and I told my abstract concerns to shove it. I was reading my baby, and my baby was saying that she was not happy on her tummy.

I asked our pediatrician about it at the three-month appointment, and she basically confirmed my feelings: that tummy time was another thing to make parents feel like they were "doing something", but Cupcake was strong and had good neck control so it wasn't necessary to force tummy time on her if she didn't want to. Our pediatrician even confided that the tummy time requirements were, in her opinion, just another way to guilt-trip parents. Was that on the record, or just practical parenting advice? No matter, I ran with it.

From then on Cupcake did not do tummy time unless she wanted to.  Which was never for more than a couple of minutes at a time.

Sure, I've read the articles of how since the "back to sleep" campaign was implemented one of the unfortunate side effects was that babies started crawling and rolling over later. I don't care, we aren't in a hurry. Mobility will come eventually, and meanwhile we are just going to do our thing.

Then it just happened that Cupcake could  hold her neck well enough to fit into an exersaucer at 3 months. (It also helps that she's really tall for her age, in the 101% and tends to be as tall as babies a couple of months older). Then she rolled over last week, before she was even 4 months old. And she just strong. Glad we didn't torture her with an activity that distressed her so much when it doesn't seem to have affected her development that much.
Of course I am not suggesting that tummy time is useless. I know the research is out, and it's recommended.  There are very valid reasons to encourage parents to put their babies on their bellies.  My argument is just that not ALL babies need it the same way.  In our case, it didn't seem to make a difference.  I'm just glad I was attuned enough to my child that we were able to provide for her individual needs.

Or course, even now as she rolls over from her back to her tummy, she doesn't like the end result.  And unable to return to her back and restore the balance in the world, she cries to me to flip her over. Which I do.  I figure she'll learn eventually.

Parenting philosophies

It seems that every parenting instinct has a name theses days.  Not just a name, but also a title, a website, and rabid advocacy on the internet.  While trying to figure out some standard timetable for developmental milestones, and also browsing through the many many parenting blogs, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not sure in which category I fall.

Does the fact that we co-sleep, breastfeed and I baby-wear cupcake mean we are attachment parents?  I mean, I related to many of the basic ideas of Attachment Parenting, but then again, we dont really subscribe to the green/cloth diaper aspect of things.  I would like to, but my sanity has its limits.  We also use pacifiers, and have no issues with strollers, swings, and the like.

What does it say about us when we decided to not let Cupcake "Cry it Out".  Is this a reflection of our parenting philosophy, or simply the result of having a baby that never gave us serious sleep problems.

Where do we fit the fact that cupcake got her ears pierced at 3 months?  We messed with the sanctity of what "god" gave her.  (I use the word god loosely, as I am a devoted Atheist yet Nate is a spiritual Christian,  so who knows what will happen with Cupcake when she's older?  That's a topic for many many more blog entries in the future).

And then there's the issue that one's attitude towards a small baby is very different from that regarding a toddler, preschooler, newborn, teenager, adult, etc.

So far I want to address Cupcake's needs as she  needs them.  Because of MCAD we have a feeding schedule (rather than feeding on demand, like La Leche League and similar lactivists advocate).  But she sleeps and wakes on demand.  The only real sleep training we're doing is that we've made no effort to make her bedtime any earlier, so she goes down for the night at around 10 pm.  But I hold her when she needs it, try to give her space when she needs it, change her as she needs it, or at least I try to do all these things when she seems to need it.  Seriously, who knows what she actually needs.

So... do we qualify as Attachment Parents?  And based on how exaggerated and controversial so many of them tend to be... do we even want to?