Baby earrings

I'm having some major second thoughts about my decision to give Cupcake earrings, and I feel like a terrible mother about it.

She got earrings when she was almost 3 months old. At the time I was freaking out that we had waited too long.  I come from a country where baby girls get their ears pierced in the hospital, within days of birth, and the idea of waiting 3 months filled me with dread.

Nevertheless, after her tetanus shot, we made our appointment, and our doctor's office pierced her ears. It was a pretty easy procedure, that didn't seem to hurt cupcake too much.  Sure, she cried after the first piercing, but it seemed to come from frustration at being  strapped down more than anything else. She cried for a few minutes (they felt like hours), and then promptly forgot about it.  In fact, that evening was the first time we heard her laugh.

Our pediatrician told us to rotate them and clean them, and that after a month we could take them out and replace them with our own earrings. We ended up keeping them for almost 3 months, as we were both too nervous to deal with holes in her ears.

Finally, we got some courage and replaced the earrings.  It was stressful, but she seemed pain free, which was our main concern.  The new earrings were a gift from Cupcake's great-grandmother, and they were special gold baby earrings with a special back to protect from scratches.   Everything was gravy.

Then yesterday I found one earring on Cupcake's play mat.  Apparently, she took it off, not really sure when.  And I looked and looked, and I couldn't find the back (did she swallow it?).  No problem, I thought, we'll just put back the original earrings from the pediatrician's office and go about our way.   Except that then last night we were running errands and we got home past Cupcake's bedtime, so we had to put her down quickly and didn't get a chance to try to put the earring back.  

We tried again this evening, and it won't go in.   It goes in one side, but doesn't seem to come out the other. We've realized that the doctor's earrings are much thicker than ours, so her ear might have healed thinner during the last 3 months.  I don't know, at some point early in the procedure I had a total panic meltdown.

I feel like a selfish mother for putting holes in my baby's ears. And I tell myself that this is cultural, that I had earrings as a baby and it's perfectly normal, but we live in the states, and the constant scrutiny of people noticing her ears are pierced is getting to me.  I try to tell myself that it's better to do it when they're young, as there is less chance of infection, but then  why won't the earring go in her ear?   I'm so scared it's gonna have to be re-opened, that it's gonna be infected, that it will cause her pain.  I can't bear to have her cry over something so stupid.

I feel like a terrible mother because we might have been able to get the earring in  the hole if I hadn't freaked out. This was a two person job: one holds the baby down while the other puts the earring, and I couldn't do either. I ended up hyperventilating in the bathroom while Nate tried valiantly to fix the problem, but ultimately couldn't.   Why can't I handle it? What's wrong with me? Why am I failing when I'm needed?  I'm gonna call the pediatrician tomorrow and see if she has any advice.

Finding a balance between motherhood and me

I keep having this anxiety feeling that I'm doing it all wrong.  I don't know where it's coming from.  Up until now I've been a pretty confident parent, owning the things I didn't know and celebrating the issues we solved by the seat of our pants.  I know that parenting is something you figure it our as you go, and I've been fine with it.

I think I'm having issues with what parenting is doing to me.  What is happening to "me."

Though I love my identity as a mom, I've never wanted it to be the only thing that defined me.  I am a mother, a wife, a sister, daughter, traveler, and for a long time I was a designer, professional, student, etc, etc.  Of course, this isn't groundbreaking, and everyone is made up of many parts of themselves.

It's more of a realization that mothering is currently completely eclipsing my other parts, and I'm mostly upset about how its affecting my professional identity.  Long before Cupcake came along I had a career, a master's degree and a professional path.  Shortly before I got pregnant I was laid off  due to the US economic crisis and spent some time figuring out how to find gainful employment again and taking underpaid freelance work just to stay active in my field.  It's not like Cupcake ruined me professionally and took me away from a thriving active career.  We were even glad I got pregnant so quickly, because it meant I could stay home with her until the economy recovered.  No cost of opportunity to be home with the baby.

There's a part of me that feels time passing me by.  Taking care of a baby/child is all consuming, there's little in the day left for me.  And I struggle to find help for the house, have an afternoon off, I'm filled with anxiety if I am doing the right thing.  Namely, should I pay someone to watch Cupcake and/or clean the house?  Or were we really stupid to not have done this sooner?  These are opposing views, I know.  I'm just on edge, like I'm letting myself go and by the time Cupcake is a toddler I won't know the way back to me.

We've been debating moving back to our home state to be closer to family.  Mmmm.... debating is not the right term, we've decided to move back when Nate fulfills his work requirement to be licensed.  And I'm filled with a combination of feelings: on one hand, I'm glad we're going back closer to relatives who want to babysit and help out, but I'm sad to leave this amazing city and neighborhood, and resentful that we still have to wait a few months, and fearful that once we move back I'll be able to find a job and then I have no excuse for my malcontent.

My husband is wonderful about giving me time off, and being there for me.  I fear that as I wallow in self pity, I'm not able to offer him the same level of support and affection.  I don't want motherhood to eclipse my role as a wife.  How do other people balance it? 

Why I'm OK with MCADD - ammended

I tried to write a few days ago about coming to terms with the MCADD diagnosis, and it came out wrong.  I'm not a writer, so sometimes I share whatever is in my head and don't realize until days later how much like a jackass I sound.  You live, you learn.

I'm not glad Cupcake has MCADD, I'm so glad and thankful that she was diagnosed.  Thanks to that we will be able to hopefully have a healthy life, with minimal hospital visits, and keeping her disorder under control through careful food monitoring.  Because we know about it, she will be able to avoid fasting and hopefully lead a perfectly normal life, free of medical interventions, physical disabilities, and developmental delays. We want this to be but one of the many things that describes her.

I struggle a lot with how to deal with her diagnosis.  And I've reached a zen point where I am good with it.  Of course I wish she was completely healthy, free of genetic deficiencies.  But I'm realizing more and more that everyone has something wrong with them.  It could be MCAD, it could be allergies, chemical imbalances, weak immune systems, asthma, you name it.  Going through all this, specially the initial doctors appointments, has been a learning experience that's made me appreciate many things I used to take for granted.

It would be nicer if my internal realization didn't come at the expense of my child having a life long medical issue.  I am aware of that.  But nevertheless I am humbled by this situation, and thankful that I'm going through the process.  I think it's part of not believing in God, it makes me struggle sometimes with how I word my internal narrative into recognizable terms.

Why I'm ok with Cupcake having MCADD

I am strangely thankful that my child has MCADD.

It's a weird thing to say, but I think without this diagnosis I would not be as appreciative of all the positive things about my baby.  As I sit there frustrated some nights because Cupcake has woken up a fourth time to nurse, I can stop and be happy that I can hold her and nurse her.  I know that not everyone can do that, and I'm grateful for every moment I can spend wit her (yes, even those in the middle of the night).

Getting this diagnosis has exposed us to a world of families dealing with rare diseases, most of them much more debilitating and symptomatic than MCAD.  It's scary what's out there, and people cope with it the best they can.  Before MCADD was included in the New Born Screening, it had up to a 25% mortality rate, and was to blame for some SIDS cases.  Reading about all the parents who have lost a child is a sobering moment, and my heart goes out to them.

If Cupcake hadn't been diagnosed at birth, I couldn't possibly appreciate just how lucky we are to have a healthy child.  I marvel at the fact that she responds to me, that we don't need daily medications, that her future physical and mental development is not compromised, that she's not in current pain.  These are things that I would have taken for granted if she didn't have MCAD disorder. 

I know I complain about her sleeping habits, her foul smelling poops, her crankiness when I'm trying to get things done.  And I understand that being frustrated about these petty issues is a luxury.

Sometimes, when I look at how well she's doing, I am overcome with gratitude to all the people that fought (and are still fighting) for mandatory newborn screenings.  We've kept her from going into fasting, and are extra attentive during bouts of illness, and I'm not sure if we would have been so cautious had we not known about her condition.  She's going to be just fine, thanks to all those who paved the way.  I hope, as she gets older and I have more flexibility on my schedule, to give time and energy to the cause as well.

Sleep issues II - reading Weissbluth

Since cupcake started having nighttime issues, I'm becoming well versed on sleep literature.  Something I thought I'd never do.  I really dislike parenting books, specially those that offer a one-size-fits-all solution to your "problems."

Another friend gave me the Weissbluth book, Healthy Sleep Habits: Happy child.  She didn't recommend it, she just gave me three parenting books because she now has two kids and she is DONE, and she will never need these books again.  Works for me.  I have no issue in reading these book so long as I don't actually have to pay for them.

My apologies if the Weissbluth method worked for you, but I hated everything about this book.  He is the type of author that makes me hate parenting gurus: sarcastic, condescending, alarmist, and narrow minded.  In contrast to the new Ferber book, which allows for different parenting styles, Weissbluth declares one solution, and goes so far as to admonish those parents who don't follow his directives.

For starters, he states that bad sleeping habits in infancy can result in a lifetime of stress, mental problems, ADD, etc.  Seriously?  I know for a fact that my parents weren't very consistent with my sleep schedule as a baby, and so far my only big problem is that I like to read to sleep.  Big whoopdee deal.  Also, his advice is to put the child to sleep earlier and earlier.  Well, its 7 pm now, and my Cupcake is taking a nap, like she always does.  She'll be up for another 3 hours playing with her dad (who's just getting home from work), and then will be down at 10.  No, I will not put her to bed at 6:30. Yes, I want to sleep, but I also want us to have time as a family.  You see, we wanted to have kids, and thus we want to spend time with them.  I understand that it's  late bedtime, but that concept is such a cultural one.  What to do you care if Cupcake goes to bed a 10, if she then wakes up at 9 am.  And to further suggest that a parent is keeping their baby up late at night in order to avoid spending time with the other parent is preposterous.  And beside the point, really.  Because I do want to spend time with my husband.  But if I didn't, that's neither here nor there.

Furthermore, she has MCAD.  She needs to eat every certain number of hours.  So shut your holier than thou trap about how feeding during the night can have terrible long term consequences.  If I wanted a guilt trip, I could just call my grandmother.

Ugh.  I got so annoyed trying to read this book.  I just totally vented into the Internet.  We'll keep our sleep problems, Mr W, regardless of what you think.  We''ll mess her up, maybe as bad as my parents did to me.  Somehow, despite not having a regular nap schedule, or going through rigorous sleep training as a baby, I managed to have a happy, fulfilling and successful life.  How do you explain that?